I don't know why but every Sunday I feel a little anxious when I think about going back to school the next day...
Sometimes I'm just not ready to face the world...
Panic Attack In Class Today
I have this lecturer who always picks me to read for the class.
So today when I was asked to read like a bagillion passages from the textbook, I was actually having a panic attack. Despite that, I somehow managed to suppress it. It was hard and I'm not gonna lie..
It lasted for some time but thankfully no one knew about it. Phew...
I REALLY hate getting random panic attacks...
School Starts Tomorrow. EEK!
So… tomorrow will be my first day at school! I’m super nervous! And my mind has been plagued by questions over whether I’m gonna be able to survive at my new school…
- What if I make a really bad first impression?
- What if people make fun of my hair which by the way is in its awkward phase right now...
- What if people make fun of my weight, skin and poor fashion sense?
- What if I can’t make any friends?
- What if I can’t do well in school?
- What if my lecturers find me stupid?
- What if my classmates find me stupid?
- What if it’s like high school all over again?
I have a strong feeling that it’s gonna be so awkward… and I’m gonna be so awkward — obviously. Oh gosh I’m scared!
Wish me luck! Lots of `em, please!
I Feel Awkward Around People
Because of my insecurities, I always find myself in a state of profound anxiety, fear, melancholy and solitary. I don't mind being alone though; I feel awkward around people. I feel like people just don't get me... And when I try to let them in, it usually turns out to be a nightmare. Yes -- I have trust issues. I do. Maybe that's why I push people away because I fear of getting hurt... even more.
Source: ari-aula-arikae
I Don't Like Labeling Myself
People always question my sexuality: "Are you gay? Bi?" There's even one time, an anonymous person from Formspring asked whether I was a transsexual -- which is so not true-- but hey there's nothing wrong with being a transsexual.
The truth is, I don't like labeling myself but that doesn't mean I think any less of someone who labels themselves with any kind of sexual orientation. I just feel like I'm still figuring out my sexuality or... maybe I'm just too scared to admit the truth?
Whatever my sexuality may be, I don't want it to be the only thing that defines who I am as a person. I am me not just because of my sexuality; I am me because... I'm more that just that...
Source: ari-aula-arikae
Panic Attack On The Track!
Guess what? I went for a run again and it was in the late afternoon this time -- yeah I know, I surprise myself too! I only did about 4-5 laps though. I wish I could do more but I had a cramp in my tummy -- gee I hate when that happens! -- and I had a mini panic attack -- I hate when that happens too! -- while I was running my last lap Fortunately, I managed to stay cool and recover. I didn't wanna look stupid because there were quite a number of people running on the same track.
One of them though, looked like someone from my secondary school. EEK! Luckily he didn't notice me! Seeing him brought back short but awful memories of my past. Man, I hated those days... I remember feeling tormented all the time when I was in high school. Maybe that's partly the reason for my little panic attack...
Tomorrow I'm gonna start searching for a part time job... Sighs I feel so nervous... I'm not sure whether I can even do this... Wish me luck!
Making Life Changing Decisions Is Scary!
Today, my dad popped me the question that I've always dreaded asking myself: Are you going back to studying or going to find a job? I didn't reply. Well, I couldn't reply because I simply had no idea what to answer him. I looked petrified though and I think he sensed that as well -- well, obviously since it was evident by my facial expression. The entire time while I was staring at him, I was actually freaking out inside my head because his question really hit me kinda hard that I'm already an adult and it's time for me to make life changing decisions. What also freaked me out was that he even suggested that I should work for the company he's in. EEK! NO!!!
To tell you the truth, I'm really scared. I don't know whether I could even find myself a place in a university or even find a job. And I just suck at interviews! Ah but I really need to make some money. Gosh... I'm so confused right now. If I go back to school, what should I study? No -- what DO I wanna study? Hmm time to make some decisions... Oh gosh -- being an adult is so hard! I'm so not prepared for this! Eek!
Gosh I feel so weirdly tired recently. It feels like something is draining out my energy and I don't think it has anything to do with me fasting though... Maybe it's gotta do with me having just ended my 2-year national service... The last time I experienced this was when I was so depressed. I guess it's just a way my body is dealing with how I'm feeling right now... I know I should be happy but maybe it still hasn't hit me yet... I guess I'm just worried about my future... Change is scary...
So Not Ready For Love
Sometimes I'm glad that I've never truly been in love because it makes it easier for me in a sense that I don't have to worry about trying to figure out my feelings for that person I'm in love with or come up with the best way to spend our dates or whether that person really likes me back...! I hope that I don't fall in love though because I don't think I'm ready for any of that. I do... did have some crushes though and having them gave me a taste of what it is to almost be in love and it's actually kinda scary. There are so many things in my life that I need to figure out before I could try to love someone... and I need to learn to love myself first before I could let someone love me... But hey -- anything could happen... which is scary! lol People change and what I say now might not be the same as what I might think/feel in the future... lol Ah the future is so scary! Eek!
Source: ari-aula-arikae
I Have Fear of Public Speaking
So last Friday, my boss told me that I will be doing an opening speech for his Work Plan presentation this coming Tuesday.WHAT?! EEK!
The last time I did a speech or a presentation was in Polytechnic and that was so long ago!
What if my panic/anxiety disorder gets the best of me? Sometimes when I'm nervous -- really nervous -- my voice starts to shake! It's embarrassing. Oh gosh I'm really worried that I might make a fool of myself.
God save me!
My Anxiety Disorder is Haunting Me Again
Lately, I've been feeling lethargic and unmotivated to do things. I don't know why but my body hasn't been feeling really good; I haven't been sleeping well, I get headaches and my back hurts -- stupid scoliosis.. I get anxious a lot too. Oh no -- I think my anxiety disorder is kicking in again. I'm scared.
It's sad that my sexuality is one of my biggest insecurities.
February 2013 - #LifeBitchSlappedMe
February totally slapped me hard with the realities of life; it made me realize how unprepared I am for the future. There's just so much fear and uncertainty, and so many decisions to make -- so scary. Seriously, how do adults do it? Yes -- I'm an adult myself but I'm 23... still young. I'm still learning the ways to adulthood but seriously, being a young adult is pretty scary...
Speaking of scary, I bought myself a smartphone which cost me so much money that I think I'm might just have to cut down on my snacks for the next couple of months. Yes -- I snack a lot. Goodbye delicious digestive cookies... seaweed Pringles... and yummy dark chocolates... And goodbye to buying random nonsensical stuff online.
So anywho... I was dying to join Instagram (please follow me) and finally made an account a couple of days ago! I'm just so obsessed with it! It's just so exciting -- and kinda thrilling -- to upload pictures using your phone, and to find out that people actually like them. AWESOME! Ah I'm such a dork but I don't care! I just love love love this app! Heee...~
That's all that happened in February. Nothing interesting really... just a lot of money spent. That's all. Ouch -- still hurts thinking about it. Sobs.
Anywho... time to upload more photos on Instagram lol! Yay!
What Am I Gonna Do With My Life?
Today, I spent quite sometime deliberating whether I should get myself a new phone. Gosh I didn't know it could be so complicated. Contemplating on buying a new smartphone for myself made me realize how unready I am to own one, and how scary my future would be without a stable job after I leave the National Service (NS).
I wonder how will I pay my phone bills or my student loan? The amount of money in my bank is embarrassingly...small and it freaks me out every time I think about being broke. I don't really want to live off my parents. They've been so kind to let me live with them and the last thing I wanna do is to ask them for money.
To be honest, I'm not sure whether I wanna work or study after NS; I just still cannot decide. Do I wanna go back to studying Design? If I do, I need a good portfolio in order to get into a university though. That's a lot of work and besides, I'm not really that great a designer. Sigh. Argh! Why does being a grownup so hard?!
Source: ari-aula-arikae