(((I Will Outlive)))

Being a non-ethnically Jewish adopted child of Jews is weird. Technically you are a convert, but technically you aren’t. You’re declared to be Jewish. The only “conversion” you go through are the Bet Din, the mikveh, and sometimes (for people born with penises) a bris. And that’s all depending on if you are adopted by a religious family and if so, what denomination they are. You don’t go through any of the other parts of conversion.

And you’re raised the same as any other Jewish person who is a Jew from birth, so you don’t feel like a convert. You don’t feel any different than any of the other kids at Hebrew school, singing Ein Keloheinu or learning your haftorah portion. Your parents don’t treat you as anything but their child. Their Jewish child, whom they happened to have adopted.

And when you get older, and if you are open that you are an adoptee you get things like “well, you’re not a REAL jew” thrown at you. So you start to think that maybe you have to choose between these two integral parts of your identity: Jew or Adopted. Because outsiders think they’re mutually exclusive.

And you don’t talk to your parents about it, because you don’t want to hurt them. You may not understand why people say these things to you, but you KNOW that your parents will be hurt. So you just bury it down and just laugh when someone says something antisemitic and follows it up by saying that it’s okay because you aren’t REALLY Jewish. The follow up that’s never verbalized, but you hear anyway is: “because you’re adopted.” Because you can’t be both.

My two older sisters converted when my mom converted to Orthodoxy (her previous reformed conversion was deemed not kosher and because Orthodox law only accepts matrilineal Jews, my older sisters had to convert as well). They were seven and three at the time and even before that, they were being raised Jewish, if not observant. One of them is actually currently in the process of adopting a baby with her husband, so I wonder if maybe her own strange status as a convert (and whether or not she is a convert varies on who you ask) will enable her to help her child with this.

I think it definitely will. Even if you’re the most empathetic parent, having shared struggles and experiences with your child is just different than merely being empathetic and understanding of your child’s struggles. And that’s not to say that if your sister had not had to go through a conversion to be accepted into Orthodoxy that she would not be able to sympathize or parent her child as well. My mother and father are amazing parents (although not without their faults, but who is), but there are just some things that I have to explain to them about my life experience merely due to them not being adoptees that I would most likely not have to explain if they were adoptees because they have no basis for comparison. Although, similarly, they have to explain what it was like growing up Jewish in America in the 40s-60s, because I grew up in the 80-90s and I have no basis for comparison.

Orthodox perspective is in the comments :) Thanks!

I usually refer to it as being declared Jewish instead of converting to Judaism as the processes are different. Not only does it mimic the constant questioning adoptees get (e.g. ”okay but who’s your real mother”), I think it’s disrespectful and false to compare being raised Jewishly by virtue of being adopted by Jewish parents to choosing as an adult to join the Jewish people. Those are distinct experiences and should be treated as such. I was declared Jewish as an infant after my adoption was finalized, but was educated and raised the same as any other Jewish child. 

The reaffirmation @wenevergotusedtoegypt described is not solely within Ashkenazi Orthodox Judaism movements; I have the same clause written on my beit din judgment and I was raised within the Ashkenazi Conservative Movement. (”We also recognize that our decision is binding only until [she] reaches adequate maturity and is in a position to decide for herself the religious choice of her life.”) I’d bet hard cash that the vast majority, if not all, movements and communities have the same stipulation.

For Reform Judaism, while you’re correct re Jewish identity “stemming from being raised Jewishly by Jewish parent(s),” there’s still bionormativity embedded within Judaism and society in general. Unfortunately, adoptees are still seen and treated as being different to biological children with regards to authenticity and value, amongst other things. For adoptees to be considered their (adoptive) parents “real” children, they’d still need to be declared part of the Jewish people, and that would necessarily include infant conversion/declaration. 

I will say that “these kids never have their Jewishness questioned…nor do they have to prove themselves” is not accurate. I’m a transethnic adoptee and can pass easily as the biological offspring of my (adoptive) parents. Regardless, I had (and continue to have) my Jewishness always questioned both by other Jews and non-Jews. Growing up, antisemitism would regularly be excused in my presence by people who knew I was adopted telling me some version of “It’s okay Alexis, it’s not like you’re not really Jewish.” (This was while people who didn’t know I was an adoptee called me a Christ Killer, so I guess I was enough of a real Jew for them.)

And other Jewish people constantly questioned (and still do) my Jewishness either by asking me if I’m really Jewish based on my physical appearance. This is even though I know genetically ethnic Jews who look just like me. Or they outright tell me I’m not actually Jewish or I’m not as Jewish as they are only based on me being an adoptee. I know with certainty I’m not the only Jewish adoptee to have these experiences and that Jewish adoptees across movements and communities deal with the same issues.

I have never lived life as anything other than a Jewish person. I’ve been Jewish technically even before I was born, as my adoption process started before my birth. It’s even worse for transracial adoptees as they unmistakably don’t fit into bionormativity. I generally don’t have to disclose my adoptee status if I choose not to; transracial adoptees don’t have that option.

Just as an FYI, because I can see people becoming confused about this very easily and quickly.

Conservative Judaism has nothing to do with politics or political ideology. Within Ashkenazi Judaism, we have different movements or “denominations” (many Jews don’t like to use denomination as it is a Christian term) all of which started when Jews were emancipated in Europe beginning in 1790 in France and ending in Romania in 1923. With emancipation came the Haskalah, or Jewish Enlightenment, wherein Jews were legally able to be full citizens of society and able to interact with Judaism in the same way Christians had been able to interact with Christianity.

A very bare-bones definition of four main movements (and there are more!) are:

Reconstructionist: Founded by Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan in the 1950s in the United States within the Conservative Movement. Judaism is seen as an “evolving religious civilization.” (Reconstructionist Rabbinical Society)

Reform: Founded by Moses Mendelsohn in the late 1700s in Germany as a way to reform Judaism to work within modern life. Halakha (Jewish law) is interpreted personally. (Union for Reform Judaism)

Conservative: Sort of a middle ground between Reform and Orthodox. Founded in the late 1800s by Rabbi Zecharias Frankel in Germany. Halakha is interpreted both according to what Rabbis have already decided (that’s where conservative comes from because it’s conserving that tradition) and by the members in an egalitarian manner. (Jewish Theological Seminary)

Orthodox (the only movement without a centralized organizational structure): This movement was a response to the Reform movement wherein Halakha is interpreted according to what Rabbis have already decided (piskei halakha or rulings of law).

These are all valid Judaic movements. Any member of any of these movements is as Jewish as a member of any other movement.

ETA: Although these movements started in Europe, these definitions and their names are US-based. 

This is a really great set of articles- highly suggested for those interested in Judaism and for Jews interested in the conversion process!

Orthodox Judaism is not a cult, and if your gut instinct after getting into a disagreement with an Orthodox Jew is to tell them that their opinions don’t matter because they’re in one, you’re an antisemite and one who isn’t very good at arguing at that.

A Jewish perspective on reproductive justice and birth control access from twitter user @lechatsavant.

I’d like to explain for any goyim or Jews who aren’t well-versed in Halacha: Niddah is a time period around the menstruation period, during which a person has the status of being ritually impure. During that time, they cannot do certain things that require ritual purity. If someone touches them then this status is passed on. To be ritually pure again, a person must visit a mikveh, a ritual bath.

Because of the complex nature of Jewish law related to menstruation and conception, hormonal birth control is allowed, even by the more strict interpretations of Halacha. Generally, observant Jews don’t use barrier methods.

It is also required to prioritize the life of a pregnant person over the life of a fetus if a conflict between the two should arise.

Yet another reminder that when these people talk about birth control and abortion in reference to religious freedom, they mean Christian freedom. They don’t give a shit about anyone else.

Jewish Etiquette: Visiting a Shiva House