Who Should You Fight? Jewish Commentators (Mefarshim) Edition
Onkelos: Pointless and risky… Rumour has it he was a Roman noble before becoming a rabbi, so possibly had military experience. Besides, nobody really understands him anyway. Harmless, and if you win nobody will care.
R. Shim‘on ben Laqish (Resh Lakish): Are you kidding?? Was literally a gladiator, 100% angry Roman gay, could slice you up faster than you can say “Rabbi Yohanan.” DO NOT FIGHT.
Rashi: I mean, you could fight Rashi, but why??? You’ll just make a lot of people angry with you. I promise he’s just trying to help you out, even when he gets on your nerves. You can probably win this fight but you will miss him when he’s gone. Instead, try getting on his good side by asking his opinion about a word you don’t understand.
RaMBaM (Maimonides): please please please fight Maimonides. Do us all a favour and take him down. You will have to defeat him in the fields of exegesis, philosophy, medicine, astronomy, legal theory, and Aristotelian logic. Look at him — he is taunting you to come get him. If you manage to hit his smug face he might just be so surprised that you could get away with your life, if you’re a fast runner. We’re all cheering for you.
RaMBaN (Nahmanides): he’s asking for it. Don’t be fooled by his long beard: he’s a wiry old man and hits surprisingly hard. If you want to defeat him, the key is to distract him with Rashi — just say, “This was already explained by the Frenchman” and he’ll fall right for it. Very sneaky fighter — you’ll think you’re winning until he gets a hit in from behind. Keep him occupied and keep landing punches. I would say you’ve got at least a 50/50 chance.
RaShBaM (Shmuel ben Meir): he is angry, French, grew up on a farm, and is probably drunk. Throws strong straight punches. If you start a fight with him all the other Tosafot will gang up on you. I wouldn’t risk it.
Abraham ibn ‘Ezra: an easy target. He is sad and lonely, and weak from years staring at astrolabes and writing emo poetry. He will not put up a long fight. He will try to bore you to death with grammatical observations, but with a little perseverance you can easily put him out of his misery.
Hayyim ibn Attar (Or haHayyim): approach with caution: he is an advanced Qabbalist and may not be where you expect him. It may be dangerous but it’s worth a try, and if you do win everyone will be impressed. If he starts calling down the seraphim you’ve lost for sure. I would say your best bet is just go for it with everything you got.
Sa‘adia Gaon: he will fight you without warning. He will fight the Karaites. He will fight the Exliarch. He will fight the philosophers. He will fight everyone… A dirty street fighter and very strategic. You will not win unless you are the Caliph of the Abbasid Empire.
Nechama Leibowitz: for the love of all things holy, don’t fight her! How could you even think of landing a punch on this sweet cinnamon bun of an old woman? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Yeshayahu Leibowitz: her brother, on the other hand, is ready for a fight. You might win if you’re well-prepared, but by the next day he’ll write an angry but incredibly eloquent op-ed tearing you into a thousand pieces, so there’s really no winning here.
Avivah Zornberg: I mean, before you even got close to her she’d have you wrapped up in metaphysical extemporizations about the inability of the unconscious to truly speak across the apophatic chasm that divides a person from another. Everyone is on her side, from Shakespeare to Freud and half a dozen Hassidic commentators you’ve never heard of. And she’s Scottish to boot… Don’t try it.
