Idk I'm in a bit of a bad way (over something I'll sum up after this) but like
HEAVY CW for discussion of abuse
Sometimes I need validation that my abuse was actual abuse and I'm not crazy.
Sometimes I feel really guilty because the majority of the worst of my abuse occured in long distance relationships, and since they could never physically attack me I feel like it's not "real abuse". But also I'll say some of the things they did and be like "oh."
Idk I just. I'm going to trauma dump on my blog here, and if you can stomach it (if you can't just scroll, I'm not mad, it's why you don't trauma dump where there's no escape for anyone in the first place), can you tell me I'm not crazy? And that this was as bad as it felt? (CW for everything except physical violence):
But, like. Okay. So. They knew where I lived (in all instances). One needed to know where I was 24/7 and would call 1000x if I didn't update. The other would just look for inconsistencies in my story. Like "oh you said you ate dinner already, but now you're being called for more dinner? What are you really doing?" Dinner got delayed and I didn't think you cared if I told you bud??
I couldn't hang out with other friends without them involved somehow. If I physically left the house and hung out in person it was treated as a personal betrayal. One needed a play-by-play of who, when, and where.
The constant verbal abuse was tiring. If I made any mistake, I was belittled or snapped at. If I made a series of mistakes, I was screamed at, called useless, etc.
Any requests for positive reinforcement were denied. Often he wouldn't even say I love you. If I wanted to show or receive affection I was mainly mocked. If I was nice and complimentary he would say it felt fake so there was no point.
I got told to kill myself once, while I was in the middle of a panic attack.
He knew I was triggered by suicide and self harm threats (from the last abuser, yay) and would often bring them out if I disappointed him at all. He'd describe in graphic detail the exact way he'd slit his wrists (or nick an artery) and said he'd send photos. Said if I called the police they wouldn't make it in time. He also sometimes described hanging instead, but mainly cuts, probably because he knew I was hemophobic.
He would say he didn't want to trigger me and then... Keep doing shit that would. Like the aforementioned threats or showing me triggering videos (usually NSFW). And then he'd get upset when I had a reaction to it. If he didn't trigger me, he'd say stuff like "well we could do this, but it would make you freak out, so, guess not" and then when I'd force myself to so we could spend time together he'd get upset if I wasn't 100% enthusiastic.
He'd ESPECIALLY do this when it came to anything sexual. "Ugh, everything crosses your boundaries or makes you uncomfortable, so we can't do anything". Then he'd withhold anything sexual until I agreed to what he wanted. One time he accused me of faking being okay. I lied and said no I'm fine really so he wouldn't stop and then give me the silent treatment for ages (once it was like two weeks). And he was like, okay, you're fine? Prove it. Strip and put on a show on camera for me. And when I broke down in the middle he was like "told you so."
TOLD YOU SO? TOLD YOU SO?
He would ask for nude pics a lot, which I don't give a shit about usually, but then if I ever pissed him off he'd threaten to post them online. And on "rate my body" type sites, too, for extra burn.
Basically I did a lot of shit on camera I wasn't comfortable with (or in the mood for) because I was afraid he'd never show me any sexual attention otherwise. We rarely did what I was into, because it made him uncomfortable. Wow, you're uncomfy, imagine how I must feel?
Like, unless we were doing what he wanted he never really indicated he was into me in any way. Compliments were few and far between, + he didn't like if I asked if I looked cute etc. He also said I wasn't his usual type. I felt unwanted. And like I was hysterical for being upset.
He also didn't like that I was nonbinary and was uncomfortable with any presentation other than strictly female because it would make him look like he was dating a dude. So of course I had to pretty myself up for him, hear him talk about how he wished my voice was higher.
And then there was the lovebombing. Suffice to say he would go all out. It's what kept me coming back so long.
BUT, if I didn't use the gifts he sent me every day or seem enthusiastic enough he'd get all depressed and disappointed. "Didn't you like it?" "Should I even bother?"
And like. He wouldn't do that with emotional/affectionate lovebombing. Which literally had me wishing for a certain type of lovebombing every time I got abused and he seemed like he was going to be sorry for it. Lmao.
And, of course, the gaslighting. If I ever complained, all I ever did was complain, I was never happy. If I told him off, "oh I'm so evil and terrible I should just kms", and, boom, I was triggered and therefore too panicked to keep telling him off. "you criticise me so much, and then when I get upset, you act like I've done something terrible". Idk maybe express being upset like a normal person without triggering me???
Anyway. Sorry. Trauma dump (very long one) over.
He didn't hit me but like... That's abuse, right? He could never physically touch me but I still have nightmares?
