wow i feel quite overwhelmed after watching little women. the polarity between in-joo and sang-a, the way they are and their arcs, which makes me hopeful and tragic respectively... in general the show presented deep characters and their striving for peace in a highly unequal and corrupt capitalist system - i'll be thinking about them for a bit.

I get it I too would yearn for her 20 years after she left me

Yoonhee just wanted to look beautiful for Jun what the fuck...

I only understood Moonlit Winter the second time I watched it. The script which is so spare suddenly opened up so many layers of meaning for me -- once I learnt that everything is being communicated via signs and parallels rather than direct dialogue between characters.

The first time, my heart hurt so much for Yoonhee. But this time I felt very strongly for Jun. Her courage, her poetry, her self-knowledge, her strength.

so i’ve finally reached the kiss. the thing about Jennifer crying is that even though we know Bette is slightly jealous about Tina’s affairs and has moments of discontent/tension in her relationship with Jodi, nothing in the episode  actually suggests the depth of feeling that Bette still has for Tina that comes out here. the tears in this scene are dredged up from a secret place that Bette doesn’t show to her friends, to Jodi, to anyone, and most incredibly, that Jennifer doesn’t even show to the camera. it suggests that Bette exists outside of all the existing clips we have seen (which is a fucking achievement of acting). and let’s talk about Laurel. Tina finally touches Bette’s body after the most prolonged kiss in which Bette proves her passion for her. and the fact that when Bette reacts to that by crying and shaking in her arms, Laurel doesn’t even (NEED TO) open her eyes - she knows what is happening and is there to comfort her, she uses a little bump of her nose against Jennifer’s forehead to say hey, look up, before kissing her again. these two are so fucking in sync, their love scenes say more than their dialogue. they understand and live in their characters so well. “the truth of those characters” really comes out in this scene unlike ever before.

not me realising that when Bette said “I could’ve sworn I watched you put them back on” to Tina she was suggesting that Tina did in fact leave her earring at her gallery on purpose (as Alice says, “the oldest trick in the book”) for Bette to find it, to be able to then come back and collect it from her. Bette’s saying that she knows Tina wanted this, that it wasn’t an accident & there must be another reason, a desire that Tina barely understands or acknowledges. Bette raises this and yet Tina just laughs, so she doesn’t let her take the earring from her hand — she closes it, pulling both their hands down and their bodies closer in the process. She doesn’t go in immediately, but continues to look almost challengingly at Tina, challenging her to recognise their mutual desire. Then she kisses her, finally opens her hand.

started watching THE L WORD 10 years after I should’ve and oh boy…… this would’ve been so educational to younger me! A show with lesbians at such different stages in their lives, in accepting themselves, in their relationships with their parents and partners! It’s amusing how, watching it now (having gone through some of the bb gay rites and being in a long term relationship), I relate the most to Bette and like Bette and Tina’s relationship the best…like I am 23 and I am vibing with these literal to-be MOMS feeling like yep the Wild days are over.

gentleman jack s1e7

OKKKKKKK. OKOKOK. 

So in episode 5 we left off with Lister and Walker being as far from each other as possible, and the two episodes have brought them back together emotionally, somewhat, but then apart in distance. I’m fully aware of what happens at the end of the season and so I was curious to see how these 2-3 episodes would pave the way organically to that outcome, and being on the penultimate episode I am NOT disappointed.

London, Oxford, Paris, etc: Anne and Mariana = toxic. they absolutely cannot give each other what they want. Mariana seems to desire Anne despite of her gender presentation and uniqueness among women, and yet must it not also be because of it? The back and forths about living at Shibden are intolerable because it’s so obvious that Mariana will never be on the same page, never even get to the level Ann was at in how seriously she took the proposition. And the whole time I’m really aware of how these repeated rejections must hurt Anne; it’s so fucking hard. And yet, AND YET, Anne and Mariana’s scenes are so tense they cannot help but be SPICY like....ugh. just stay friends w benefits guys. You do it so well. 

Scotland: Ann’s sister seems to genuinely care for her, but Ann is really not okay, and the way the episode ended is quite upsetting and distressing. 

It’s so clear that Anne and Ann need each other, that Anne really loves her, and that Ann can probably heal only in her care. I just can’t wait to see how it gets wrapped up in the next episode. !!! This show is so so good.

gentleman jack s1

HITS SO HARD. the negotiation of intimacy between Anne and Ann. Ann’s crippling insecurity after she doesn’t (in her words) give Anne Lister “what she wants” is so real. Anne’s miscalculations with their reputation among their mutual contacts too, how her moves to appear pristine misfire. the HOLD internalised christian morality has on Ann spiralling into that outburst “it’s wrong, it’s against god, it’s queer!” and Anne saying “It must occur to you, presumably, hopefully, occasionally, that I have feelings too, that are affected when you say such things.” (Remember how earlier Ann also said: “I rather die than people know what we are.”) IT’S SO COMPLICATED AND PAINFUL AND INCREDIBLY REAL. Amidst it all I really like how they characterised Anne as wanting the basic dignity of not being, like Ainsworth himself, a fornicator, cheater, and so not willing to accept (any more) having surreptitious relationships with married women -- this being sealed by her repeated devastation/ (trauma?) of losing her lovers to marriage with men....

Also, to this last point about Anne’s desire to have what everyone in society is able to have--- I am crying because that somehow makes me feel more comfortable in myself given that my own lesbian relationship takes the more conventional form like domesticity and commitment, or in the case that I admit a desire to be blessed by god/family; it reassures me that these qualities are not CLAIMED by heterosexuality though they appear to be through the hegemony of heterosexuality, and so they do not need to be renounced by lesbians in order for our relationships to have a kind of alternative queer capital. I can’t fully convince myself of this for other reasons, but seeing Anne’s reasoning with this -- trying to secure a marriage with another woman in the most conventional religious way for herself -- is a starting point for a more balanced negotiation of these things.