Did my first shift back in harm reduction tonight. It felt like going home. Everyone really liked me because I'm competent....that feeling is like a drug to me, being viewed as competent. I will have to make sure not to overdo it by picking up too many shifts and getting too invested and burning out. 1-2 shifts per week maximum!!!! No 50 hour work weeks this time.
I've been doing squats every day again!! My SI joint injury a few months ago was a massive life upheaval but I'm feeling finally building back up from zero! I tap my thighs and butt and lower back area before I start doing body weight squats andnits been real helping me get back into the form and everything without hurting myself.
Recently I had to end a friendship.
We were friends for 7 years and "besties" for almost 5. She jumped in right after Connor died too. We weren't very good friends to each other. I think people in their 20s don't know how, and you can either roll with it and have room to grow or not. It shook me awake when I was immediately ready to take accountability, and she told me that she had never in her life done something I've personally seen her do many times. I think mainly in this situation we grew into pretty fundamentally different people with different values as well. To be honest, writing it all out like this is the closest I've gotten to feeling it. So far I've just been watching comedy videos and being like "fuck that bitch!!!" every so often. In reality it is painful though. I saw her as family and I made so many excuses for her over the years. It makes me feel stupid for tolerating it for so long now that it's over....but I am trying to hold on to the ways we did love each other right.
I am also feeling incredibly grateful for the people in my life who see me and love me. Building that this past year has rewired my brain. It feels like I know how to be loved for the first time in my life. I love aging, it is truly such a gift.
Trying out wax pastels and I love them
We had to put my favourite cat, Dookie down last night. I'm super sad of course, but also still kinda reeling. She was only 5 but went into heart failure. We could have maybe kept her alive for another 6 months to a year with testing and medication, but I've always felt like it's sort of unfair to pets to prolong their lives if they're going to just suffer. I didn't want to make her go through all of that again.
When Connor and I got her, we named him Luca Brassi. He chose me immediately. Connor wanted this one to be more "his" cat, but cats have their own plans. When he was a kitten he would follow me around the apartment, even to the bathroom. He sometimes climbed up my bare leg with his claws so he could sit parrot style on my shoulder. Once he even climbed onto me while I was in the bathtub.
Sometime around 3 years ago, Kevin and I realized that Dooks had a feminine energy and knows nothing about gender. We started switching up pronouns, and eventually settled into mainly using she/her. She was the sweetest, dumbest, and best cat I could imagine. We absolutely had a soul bond. I will miss my cat very much.
Rip dookie
https://www.tumblr.com/communities/freak-squad
Hey guys, wanna join the freak squad?
