Insidious feelings of undeserving, insufficiency, unworthiness, inferiority all fed and fuelled by the creatures with whom I co-inhabit, who, each in their own tiny, accumulative ways have forced me to the conclusion I am not wanted. I longed [as a child, futilely; as an adult, bitterly] for the feeling of genuine acceptance, of being wanted, in a space that ought to be my ‘home.’ I have never felt it, nor gotten it, and I sincerely doubt and am loathe to hope I will acquire it.
This, combined with the death of my life-blood laptop three hours ago, empty bank account, and the utterly lost state of my life and mind I’m in right now has contributed to a mini-meltdown of sorts. Complete with profusions of tears and, if an unsympathetic eye had been watching, effusions of melodrama… It is all too piercingly real and personal to me. The aching, rippling pain in my diaphragm still hasn’t gone away; my breath is stifled, my fingers tremble, my eyes swollen and streaming, my palms ache from gripping the pen with a desperate intensity, and the pages thus soaken with my salty tears. Tears of utter despair, cynicism, desperation, despair at being cynical, et al.
In short: I’m a bleeding travesty to behold (as I’ve reverted to keeping solely my own company lately I don’t have to worry, no one’s going to behold me for a very long time) and tonight was an emotionally sordid hellscapade.
Deep depression + insufferable insomnia + veiled innate inferiority complex + numerous neuroses + destructive unwelcoming coinhabitants + job insecurity + unstable tenuous living arrangements + general bourgeois malaise questioning of life itself/grande scheme/purpose/etc = Marty, right now.
I have no idea when I’ll be able to properly post anything [I still have my phone and I’m looking for a refurbished laptop] but this is rendered inconsequential in comparison to the question/s: where am I going to live? What am I going to DO??
… This would be the perfect opportunity to uproot , sell all my possessions, pack a rucksack, and go traipsing through the hostels of Europe.
