a small, superficially insignificant moment. a jeer and a smattering of ‘applause’ from a group of white boys walking next to my car as i backed out of the fresh market parking lot. this brief moment of harassment, of violence, derailed me. knocked me off kilter. if i hadn’t caught it in my well-practiced patriarchal shite fishing net it would’ve ruined my day. 3 seconds and i was almost felled. my self confidence undermined, jolted. which is precisely the point of it. to erode my sense of safety, to remind me where my place is; ostensibly, that my 'place’ is not in public [is not in this world, period], or if in public then only as an object, their possession. a minuscule act of oppression, yet fueled by an insidious, a goddamn PERNICIOUS toxicity. 'you have no right to exist in this world unmolested’ - there’s the common lie that there is some way to behave that will enable you to avoid harassment, that you can arm yourself against it, keep your head down, cover up your beautiful skin, be exhaustively vigilant. as if the vigilant don’t get harassed, as if they have any control whatsoever over their own oppression. as if they are obligated to prevent their own goddamn oppression, their own harassment. bull. shit. i’m just disgusted. at those sickeningly smug skeevy boys, but also with myself. because i allowed them to make me feel inferior, even if for a fleeting moment. me, this queer girl with eyes of fire and the heart of a fathomless ocean. this girl who has beat boys bloody with nothing but her bare fists. who has stared down whole swarms of entitled white boys, until their eyes burned holes in their sperry’s and they wandered away silently. this petty shite unmoored ME. my face flushed, my heart sped up. i lit a cigarette and stomped the gas peddle. there’s no introspective, tidy conclusion to this post, i’m just spouting off. i’m seething. i’m disgusted by this self-blame. but most of all i’m disgusted by their contemptible sense of entitlement. they’re not entitled to anything. and they sure as hell aren’t entitled to my precious time, so i’m ending this here.