Beauty in the apertures of pain

08.27.20 - 8.30.20

Hello lovelies, I’m still [barely] alive. Just a quick-ish update: all of my bio-family have now cut me off financially; I’m still going through the process of applying for ssdi and waiting for approval [or rejection], but that could take months, if not [over] a year; shelter is a potential option, but the mere thought of the spoons it would take to make that gigantic leap is overwhelming [it’s still something I’m seriously considering]; I have transportation, though it’s not very reliable and I don’t have gas money; I have set up case management and medical appointments, but they are weeks, if not months, away and some are out of network so I have to pay out of pocket.

See a pattern here? There’s a ‘but’ for everything and I quite literally can’t afford to keep waiting. I’m at my wit’s end. I have practically no one, few resources, no support system outside my therapist and there’s only so much she can do. I still can’t work [cfs/cptsd kicking my bum, but I’m trying to kick back] and thus still have little to no income. I’m selling what few things of any value I have, basically. Things are much worse than when I first posted around four months ago [when my crisis really began, see links below] and have gotten progressively more and more oppressive and emotionally/psychologically abusive.

[jic you’re new here: I’m panro/demi and nonbinary, I have multiple physical and mental health issues including, but not limited to, depression, gad, chronic pain, aforementioned cfs and ptsd, and more !! I am a writer and artist, an abuse survivor… and, darlings, that’s just the tip of the iceberg]

I would normally never dream of putting myself out there like this, but these are not “Normal” circumstances and I don’t have any other options at this point. I’m just trying to keep going, to exist on the bare minimum, seeking the light. If there is absolutely anything you can do, any practical advice you can offer, anything at all, you would be a lifesaver and I would be immeasurably grateful!! [Psst... Reblogging is sooo important, helpful, and easy !!]

Marty xx

[my paypal]

[my story/context here and here]

08.27.20 - 8.30.20

Hello lovelies, I’m still [barely] alive. Just a quick-ish update: all of my bio-family have now cut me off financially; I’m still going through the process of applying for ssdi and waiting for approval [or rejection], but that could take months, if not [over] a year; shelter is a potential option, but the mere thought of the spoons it would take to make that gigantic leap is overwhelming [it’s still something I’m seriously considering]; I have transportation, though it’s not very reliable and I have no gas money [there’s no public transportation in my area]; I have set up case management and medical appointments, but they are weeks, if not months, away. See a pattern ? There’s a ‘but’ for everything and I quite literally can’t afford to keep waiting. I’m at my wit’s end. I have precious few resources, no support system outside my therapist [and there’s only so much she can do]. I still can’t work [cfs/cptsd kicking my bum, but I’m trying to kick back] and still have little to no income. I’m selling what few things of any value I have, basically. Things are much worse than when I first posted around four months ago [when my crisis really began, see links below] and have gotten progressively more and more oppressive and emotionally/psychologically abusive.

[jic you’re new here: my ‘about’ section explains a lot, as well as the links to previous posts below]

I would normally never dream of putting myself out there like this, but these are not “Normal” circumstances and I have few other options at this point. I’m just trying to keep going, to exist on the bare minimum, seeking the light at the end of this particular tunnel. I know everyone is struggling rn, but if there is absolutely anything you can do you would be a lifesaver and I would be immeasurably grateful!!! Please consider helping a queer, nonbinary, chronically ill/mentally ill creative abuse survivor gain autonomy. Reblogging this and just spreading this as far as possible is incredibly important, so please consider that as well!

Much love in these tumultuous times, Marty xx

PayPal  |  Venmo: @epithalamium  |  CashApp: $aqueerbluerose11

[my story/context here and here]

• $60 for out-of-network doctor aptmt, and another $60 for follow-up [$120]
• $73 for out-of-network prescription
• $45-55 to fill up my car

[making a new post because I’m a luddite and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get my original post to cascade chronologically and that bothers me > here it is]

UPDATE: 07.01.20

So, since my last update my original post [above] has gotten more notes, responses, and donations and I would like to thank each one of you individually, but I’m not sure if you want to be ‘outed’ [??] so I’m just going to spread out my arms in an infinite embrace in abundant gratitude for all of your overwhelming kindness, your empathy, your humanity, your generosity - please accept my heart/s <<<333 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, YOU ACTUAL LITERAL LIFESAVERS !! Every little bit goes such a long way. I am still currently going through the application process for disability and govt assistance [it takes weeks, and despite living half my life with most of these conditions they could still turn me down] and have little to no financial aid/income. I’m still going through crisis, I have been for the past month. I am working with my therapist and icc [and an ever-growing but still small team of people] looking for trauma treatment centers that accept medicaid, so at the very least I can get out of this domestic situation soon. But, with covid, I honestly don’t know how that is going to work :// [covid’s also a COLLECTIVE trauma I/we all are experiencing too, sooo… another layer for my millefeuille trauma pastry yay]. I am very lucky that medicaid at least covers all my prescriptions. I’d be down the pit if it didn’t and even more [is that possible ?] desperate. My abuser has slipped into the facade of civility and saccharine cloying sweetness [for the moment] but I am still financially cut off, eating what little food they allow me [they refuse to take me off their SNAP benefits so that I can apply for my own], and generally trying to retain whatever sliver of sanity I can at any given moment. The brain-fuckery is STRONG, lads…

I am lucky to still have [intermittent] wifi and cell service, but am acutely aware that this could be cut off at their whim, as could everything else. If anyone is familiar with the [very necessary !] hypervigilance that comes from growing up in an emotionally/phychologically/etc. abusive environment wherein character assassination goes on behind your back all. the. time… yeah, that is where I am. [I sincerely hope you aren’t familiar, but alas it’s very common…] I am reverting back to this, and each time I listen at a keyhole I am proved right. [”Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”] After over a dozen years of deconstructing this survival tactic the one person I thought would never engage in this type of behaviour is actively doing so, to basically anyone who is gullible/stupid enough to be taken in by their insidious sociopathic guile. I am sickened and constantly on edge. I get maybe 3hrs sleep per night [a liberal estimate]. But I keep going. Because in this situation, at this time, I simply CANNOT AFFORD [in any sense] to bottom out. And I am nothing if not bloody resilient.

Apart from my own microcosm, the current global crises [how many are there now ? I can’t keep up] are also exacerbating my CFS/Depression/Anxiety/the Laundry List. I’m not whinging, it’s just a fact. I am a Very Private Person, so this whole thing *gestures wildly* is like stripping naked in front of you… but so be it. I can’t afford to stay silent anymore. I am still very much in need of assistance! Any little bit helps towards necessities and saving up to get out and signal boosting/reblogging is everything! I am so overwhelmingly grateful to all of you, especially those who’ve reached out! It means the world to know I am seen and heard and have some semblance of support :’) I know I used ‘overwhelmed’ a lot in this… but, hey… that’s the Mood. Anyone looking for more background/info please check out my original post/s. Please stay safe, lovelies, all the very best wishes for you and those you hold dear,

All the love, Marty xx

Hello again, my darlings xx

I have to begin by saying that the following is extremely difficult for me to write, to admit, period, but necessity forces my hand. I know it’s been a while since I posted on here regularly [I’ll address the reasons behind that in a moment] and I miss you! Thank you all for your kind messages and inquiries as to my wellbeing, I truly appreciate them, and this is a way for me to answer them all simultaneously. Your resident depressive hermit hasn’t been doing so well lately. Okay, that’s an egregious understatement. I recently, abruptly, lost my health insurance coverage and have been trying to navigate the healthcare system sans monetary aid, or any sort of safety net. As most of you know, I live with chronic pain, insomnia, frequent migraines, severe depression, ptsd, and GAD. I need the routine checkups related to these illnesses and I also desperately need the medication that’s a part of the treatment process. I’m utilising GoodRx for most of the scrips, but even with the discounts I’m stretching my budget thin and haven’t been able to get all of them. I am currently unemployed [outside of home] and the little bit of freelance work I’ve been able to do hasn’t been nearly enough to cover even the most basic living expenses. I’m surviving off the charity of close family members and, honestly, they are getting sick of my being sick,and I’m a strain on their budgets as well. I’m currently filing for medicaid and various forms of financial aid in my state, as well as disability, but these processes can be arduous and drawn out, so I have no definite idea of when I’ll be back on my feet again.

On top of this, my laptop died a few weeks ago, around the same time I lost my health insurance, and I’ve been unable to afford repairs thus far [which should be around an est. $200]. Most of my life and my livelihood requires direct access to my files [and the internet, of course] at all hours of the day and night, so this has been yet another debilitating and isolating problem. Taking the bus to and from the library every day in my present condition isn’t feasible anymore and is just another strain on my system. Factor in the exacerbated anxiety over all these problems and I’m rendered pretty much incapacitated. What few funds I had in my savings have also dried up in the past weeks. I’m really at my wit’s end. Otherwise I wouldn’t need to ask this of you, and it is very difficult for me - especially knowing that there are so many of you in worse/different conditions whom I wish I could help - but, if there is anything at all that you can donate to help me out, my paypal is here. I’d be immeasurably grateful! Just reblogging and signal boosting this would be wonderful! I miss you and I hope to get back to being a functioning human being blogging regularly soon! Again, my paypal is here, and anything you can do is greatly appreciated! <33

Marty xx