For anyone wondering if/when I am going to continue this blog, I must tell you I am not sure when, but I definitely want to try. Everything I already experienced [depression, cptsd, anxiety, chronic pain, etc.], everything which already made my life rather treacherous and the state of my wellbeing tenuous, has been amplified. Everything is expanded and heightened and everything, absolutely everything lately, has been just too much to bear.
I have been persevering in my daily life as best I can, but minimally functioning. Blogging has become a drain on my system and a feeling of pressure has descended. Until this sense of pressure abates, until things become a bit more bearable, I can’t do this blog nor myself justice. It has been a labour of love for around eight years and I have always taken its curation rather seriously. It used to be [and can still be] such a source of joy for me; rather, I took joy in having this space as a creative outlet for ALL emotion, and it felt safe. Again, I feel sure I’ll be returning, but at this time I don’t know when. If you see anything new, it’s from my queue.
I know everyone, around the globe, is going through A Lot right now, and I wish you the very best of luck and heart and godspeed. We will get through this. I will get through this. I must keep chanting that mantra to myself, no matter how repetitious it gets. We all must. But, for now, I have to take a break. My ask box is always open. All my love to you, my lovelies, never lose heart ♥️✊🏻
UPDATE:
My situation has become, if anything, even more untenable. Every single issue I was previously [welp, consistently] dealing with has escalated exponentially. The most pivotal point was reached on the 21st of May when someone I trusted deeply, with my health/personal info no less, betrayed me and threatened to “have someone come and take me away” and have me committed. These threats were hollow, though nonetheless terrifying and panic-attack inducing, because I was in no way a threat to myself nor anyone else. That betrayal/devastation/crisis [which I cannot even afford to expend the energy to process rn] is compounded by the fact that I am currently trapped in a living situation with this person and am still [ESPECIALLY MONETARILY] dependent on them. They have cut off any form of monetary support, and I have no one else, nor any income of my own. I’m working on getting help/support and an income, but that is a labyrinthine process and I have no idea when that is going to manifest... I was/am in survival mode, hypervigilant, constantly.
Then... the 25th happened, the horrific video of the brutal murder of George Floyd was released and this nation’s systemic racism began to be confronted in an unprecedented way. My personal world and the country I live in and the entire world is in a justifiably rageful, desperate upheaval and resistance. At the moment I genuinely am just trying to use my voice on other platforms [though my audience may not be very large] to further the truth of various movements whilst still trying to hold my OWN world together with both hands, gather a support system and keep my physical/mental health at the very least “stable”... not sliding down into the abyss, which is calling me louder than ever before. The suicidal ideation is strong, y’all. I’m literally using spoons I don’t have rn, conjuring them out of thin air.
I know everyone is going through A Lot [even MORE NOW than previously stated in my original post !!] individually and/or as an entire diverse community [#blm protests, confronting systemic racism, defunding/dismantling PDs, demanding justice for countless black lives taken, and oh yeah A PANDEMIC is still here !! with NO VACCINE yet !! I almost forgot about that...] and there are A Lot of petitions out there to sign and gofundmes to donate to etc, and everyone’s been impacted in some way. I hope it’s evident that I’m not trying to detract from any of this, absolutely not. Please, donate to orgs and funds and use your voice for positive change! That said, if there is ANYTHING at all you can donate, please consider helping out a queer nb person who’s currently being retraumatised, teetering on the edge, grappling with PTSD, and trying to get their shit together. My timing couldn’t have been better, huh...
I only have PayPal [and the Ko-Fi link on my sidebar] rn, if venmo would work better please lmk
Take care, lovelies xx
