[making a new post because I’m a luddite and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get my original post to cascade chronologically and that bothers me > here it is]
UPDATE: 07.01.20
So, since my last update my original post [above] has gotten more notes, responses, and donations and I would like to thank each one of you individually, but I’m not sure if you want to be ‘outed’ [??] so I’m just going to spread out my arms in an infinite embrace in abundant gratitude for all of your overwhelming kindness, your empathy, your humanity, your generosity - please accept my heart/s <<<333 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, YOU ACTUAL LITERAL LIFESAVERS !! Every little bit goes such a long way. I am still currently going through the application process for disability and govt assistance [it takes weeks, and despite living half my life with most of these conditions they could still turn me down] and have little to no financial aid/income. I’m still going through crisis, I have been for the past month. I am working with my therapist and icc [and an ever-growing but still small team of people] looking for trauma treatment centers that accept medicaid, so at the very least I can get out of this domestic situation soon. But, with covid, I honestly don’t know how that is going to work :// [covid’s also a COLLECTIVE trauma I/we all are experiencing too, sooo... another layer for my millefeuille trauma pastry yay]. I am very lucky that medicaid at least covers all my prescriptions. I’d be down the pit if it didn’t and even more [is that possible ?] desperate. My abuser has slipped into the facade of civility and saccharine cloying sweetness [for the moment] but I am still financially cut off, eating what little food they allow me [they refuse to take me off their SNAP benefits so that I can apply for my own], and generally trying to retain whatever sliver of sanity I can at any given moment. The brain-fuckery is STRONG, lads...
I am lucky to still have [intermittent] wifi and cell service, but am acutely aware that this could be cut off at their whim, as could everything else. If anyone is familiar with the [very necessary !] hypervigilance that comes from growing up in an emotionally/phychologically/etc. abusive environment wherein character assassination goes on behind your back all. the. time... yeah, that is where I am. [I sincerely hope you aren’t familiar, but alas it’s very common...] I am reverting back to this, and each time I listen at a keyhole I am proved right. [”Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”] After over a dozen years of deconstructing this survival tactic the one person I thought would never engage in this type of behaviour is actively doing so, to basically anyone who is gullible/stupid enough to be taken in by their insidious sociopathic guile. I am sickened and constantly on edge. I get maybe 3hrs sleep per night [a liberal estimate]. But I keep going. Because in this situation, at this time, I simply CANNOT AFFORD [in any sense] to bottom out. And I am nothing if not bloody resilient.
Apart from my own microcosm, the current global crises [how many are there now ? I can’t keep up] are also exacerbating my CFS/Depression/Anxiety/the Laundry List. I’m not whinging, it’s just a fact. I am a Very Private Person, so this whole thing *gestures wildly* is like stripping naked in front of you... but so be it. I can’t afford to stay silent anymore. I am still very much in need of assistance! Any little bit helps towards necessities and saving up to get out and signal boosting/reblogging is everything! I am so overwhelmingly grateful to all of you, especially those who’ve reached out! It means the world to know I am seen and heard and have some semblance of support :’) I know I used ‘overwhelmed’ a lot in this... but, hey... that’s the Mood. Anyone looking for more background/info please check out my original post/s. Please stay safe, lovelies, all the very best wishes for you and those you hold dear,
All the love, Marty xx