anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
It's June 1. It's time.
Go be gay.
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
Me? Give up men? Forget it! You took the words right out of my mouth. Victor/Victoria (1982) dir. Blake Edwards
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
Two women lighting each others’ cigarettes, Westeinde, The Netherlands, 1932.
decided on a whim to put on "a secret love" and what music is backing a montage of old photos, footage, home videos etc of our mains and other lgbtq+ elders? hmm ? what song is playing during the opening credits, you ask?? why, "secret love" by doris day, of course. because yes, bob netflik, that is in fact a gd queer ballad.
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
“I’m gay”
“Me too / Too bad we missed each other”
“Yeah, me too”
found in a women’s bathroom stall in Lokál Dlouhááá, Prague, Czech Republic
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
Abled gays celebrating marriage equality: well we sure do have nowhere to go from here when it comes to marriage rights. Gay rights!
Me, a disabled lesbian trying to get on ssi thinking about how I will not be able to marry my girlfriend if I do because I can't have more than $2000 to my name at a time and they count a spouse's income towards that: wow .. gay rights ...
ableistlanguage
Just wanna say if you fought for and support marriage equality for gay people its your responsibility to do the same for disabled people. Abled people can and should rb this
I should have been able to marry my fiance before he died in 2019. Often yall are too silent when I talk about the struggles I face being disabled compared to the rest of the content I share. Why do you all go silent? Your own uncomfortable feelings shouldn't pause your activism. These are our struggles, listen. Don't hesitate because you don't know, learn.
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
08.27.20 - 8.30.20
Hello lovelies, I’m still [barely] alive. Just a quick-ish update: all of my bio-family have now cut me off financially; I’m still going through the process of applying for ssdi and waiting for approval [or rejection], but that could take months, if not [over] a year; shelter is a potential option, but the mere thought of the spoons it would take to make that gigantic leap is overwhelming [it’s still something I’m seriously considering]; I have transportation, though it’s not very reliable; I have set up case management and medical appointments, but they are weeks, if not months, away. See a pattern here? There’s a ‘but’ for everything and I quite literally can’t afford to keep waiting. I’m at my wit’s end. I have practically no one, few resources, no support system outside my therapist and there’s only so much she can do. I still can’t work [cfs/cptsd kicking my bum, but I’m trying to kick back] and still have little to no income. I’m selling what few things of any value I have, basically. Things are much worse than when I first posted around four months ago [when my crisis really began, see links below] and have gotten progressively more and more oppressive and emotionally/psychologically abusive.
[jic you’re new here: I’m panro/demi and nonbinary, I have multiple physical and mental health issues [including, but not limited to, depression, gad, ptsd, chronic pain, aforementioned cfs, and more !!], I am a writer and artist [amongst other things], an abuse survivor… and that’s just the tip of the iceberg, darling.]
I would normally never dream of putting myself out there like this, but these are not “Normal” circumstances and I really don’t have many other options. I’m just trying to keep going, to exist on the bare minimum, seeking the light. If there is absolutely anything you can do, any practical advice you can offer, anything at all, you would be a lifesaver and I would be immeasurably grateful!!!
08.27.20 - 8.30.20
Hello lovelies, I’m still [barely] alive. Just a quick-ish update: all of my bio-family have now cut me off financially; I’m still going through the process of applying for ssdi and waiting for approval [or rejection], but that could take months, if not [over] a year; shelter is a potential option, but the mere thought of the spoons it would take to make that gigantic leap is overwhelming [it’s still something I’m seriously considering]; I have transportation, though it’s not very reliable and I have no gas money [there’s no public transportation in my area]; I have set up case management and medical appointments, but they are weeks, if not months, away. See a pattern ? There’s a ‘but’ for everything and I quite literally can’t afford to keep waiting. I’m at my wit’s end. I have precious few resources, no support system outside my therapist [and there’s only so much she can do]. I still can’t work [cfs/cptsd kicking my bum, but I’m trying to kick back] and still have little to no income. I’m selling what few things of any value I have, basically. Things are much worse than when I first posted around four months ago [when my crisis really began, see links below] and have gotten progressively more and more oppressive and emotionally/psychologically abusive.
[jic you’re new here: my ‘about’ section explains a lot, as well as the links to previous posts below]
I would normally never dream of putting myself out there like this, but these are not “Normal” circumstances and I have few other options at this point. I’m just trying to keep going, to exist on the bare minimum, seeking the light at the end of this particular tunnel. I know everyone is struggling rn, but if there is absolutely anything you can do you would be a lifesaver and I would be immeasurably grateful!!! Please consider helping a queer, nonbinary, chronically ill/mentally ill creative abuse survivor gain autonomy. Reblogging this and just spreading this as far as possible is incredibly important, so please consider that as well!
Much love in these tumultuous times, Marty xx
PayPal | Venmo: @epithalamium | CashApp: $aqueerbluerose11
[my story/context here and here]
update: 09.19.20
specific amounts needed ASAP:
- $60 for out-of-network doctor aptmt, and another $60 for follow-up [$120]
- $73 for out-of-network prescription
- $45-55 to fill up my car
If a tiny fraction of my followers donated just $1 each, I would have more than enough and would be able to subsist for at least another couple months !!
#!!!#please signal boost#please reblog#reblogs mean everything#abuse tw#ptsd#lgbtq#nonbinary#chronic illness#mental illness#cptsd#and so much more *sigh*#help#personal#also a HUGE thank you to those who've already helped !!!#not all heroes wear capes#i just need to be able to liiiiiive#and i'm running out of clothes to sell...
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
viewing queer identities as “this is the label that makes me happy and feels most accurate now” rather than “this is who I am, was, and always will be” will definitely take the pressure off, friends. changing your mind is proof that you have one.
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
“In 1907, the brilliant Colette caused a sensation at the Moulin Rouge when she appeared with her lesbian lover Missy (the marquise de Morny) in a one-act pantomime called Rêve d’Egypte (Dream of Egypt). Dressed in a costume… Colette played a mummy waiting to be ‘unpacked’ by the ‘male’ archaeologist, played by Missy. The performance provoked an audience uproar when they kissed; as Colette’s biographer Judith Thurman asserts, ‘the stage was immediately bombarded with coins, orange peels, seat cushions, tins of candy, and cloves of garlic, while the catcalls… and shouts of ‘Down with the dykes’ drowned out an orchestra of forty musicians.” — Piya Pal-Lapinski’s The Exotic Woman in Nineteenth-Century British Fiction and Culture (2005)
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
[making a new post because I’m a luddite and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get my original post to cascade chronologically and that bothers me > here it is]
UPDATE: 07.01.20
So, since my last update my original post [above] has gotten more notes, responses, and donations and I would like to thank each one of you individually, but I’m not sure if you want to be ‘outed’ [??] so I’m just going to spread out my arms in an infinite embrace in abundant gratitude for all of your overwhelming kindness, your empathy, your humanity, your generosity - please accept my heart/s <<<333 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, YOU ACTUAL LITERAL LIFESAVERS !! Every little bit goes such a long way. I am still currently going through the application process for disability and govt assistance [it takes weeks, and despite living half my life with most of these conditions they could still turn me down] and have little to no financial aid/income. I’m still going through crisis, I have been for the past month. I am working with my therapist and icc [and an ever-growing but still small team of people] looking for trauma treatment centers that accept medicaid, so at the very least I can get out of this domestic situation soon. But, with covid, I honestly don’t know how that is going to work :// [covid’s also a COLLECTIVE trauma I/we all are experiencing too, sooo… another layer for my millefeuille trauma pastry yay]. I am very lucky that medicaid at least covers all my prescriptions. I’d be down the pit if it didn’t and even more [is that possible ?] desperate. My abuser has slipped into the facade of civility and saccharine cloying sweetness [for the moment] but I am still financially cut off, eating what little food they allow me [they refuse to take me off their SNAP benefits so that I can apply for my own], and generally trying to retain whatever sliver of sanity I can at any given moment. The brain-fuckery is STRONG, lads…
I am lucky to still have [intermittent] wifi and cell service, but am acutely aware that this could be cut off at their whim, as could everything else. If anyone is familiar with the [very necessary !] hypervigilance that comes from growing up in an emotionally/phychologically/etc. abusive environment wherein character assassination goes on behind your back all. the. time… yeah, that is where I am. [I sincerely hope you aren’t familiar, but alas it’s very common…] I am reverting back to this, and each time I listen at a keyhole I am proved right. [”Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”] After over a dozen years of deconstructing this survival tactic the one person I thought would never engage in this type of behaviour is actively doing so, to basically anyone who is gullible/stupid enough to be taken in by their insidious sociopathic guile. I am sickened and constantly on edge. I get maybe 3hrs sleep per night [a liberal estimate]. But I keep going. Because in this situation, at this time, I simply CANNOT AFFORD [in any sense] to bottom out. And I am nothing if not bloody resilient.
Apart from my own microcosm, the current global crises [how many are there now ? I can’t keep up] are also exacerbating my CFS/Depression/Anxiety/the Laundry List. I’m not whinging, it’s just a fact. I am a Very Private Person, so this whole thing *gestures wildly* is like stripping naked in front of you… but so be it. I can’t afford to stay silent anymore. I am still very much in need of assistance! Any little bit helps towards necessities and saving up to get out and signal boosting/reblogging is everything! I am so overwhelmingly grateful to all of you, especially those who’ve reached out! It means the world to know I am seen and heard and have some semblance of support :’) I know I used ‘overwhelmed’ a lot in this… but, hey… that’s the Mood. Anyone looking for more background/info please check out my original post/s. Please stay safe, lovelies, all the very best wishes for you and those you hold dear,
All the love, Marty xx
UPDATE: 07.02.20
Just since yesterday I’ve found out that NONE of the treatment centers I was looking into are covered under medicaid, the legal advisor I consulted can’t help me in my current situation, another clinic I was looking into was a bust, and tbh I’ve received so many disheartening/lukewarm/downright indifferent responses to my calls and pleas for help [FROM MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS !] I just don’t know anymore, guys... I’m back to square one and may very well end up in a shelter soon, which was a last resort and something i’ve been trying to avoid in hopes of the above clinics working out, but here we are. I can’t continue like this. If there is anything at all you can do to support me it would be immensely appreciated [reblogs count] !!! <3
[making a new post because I’m a luddite and cannot for the life of me figure out how to get my original post to cascade chronologically and that bothers me > here it is]
UPDATE: 07.01.20
So, since my last update my original post [above] has gotten more notes, responses, and donations and I would like to thank each one of you individually, but I’m not sure if you want to be ‘outed’ [??] so I’m just going to spread out my arms in an infinite embrace in abundant gratitude for all of your overwhelming kindness, your empathy, your humanity, your generosity - please accept my heart/s <<<333 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, YOU ACTUAL LITERAL LIFESAVERS !! Every little bit goes such a long way. I am still currently going through the application process for disability and govt assistance [it takes weeks, and despite living half my life with most of these conditions they could still turn me down] and have little to no financial aid/income. I’m still going through crisis, I have been for the past month. I am working with my therapist and icc [and an ever-growing but still small team of people] looking for trauma treatment centers that accept medicaid, so at the very least I can get out of this domestic situation soon. But, with covid, I honestly don’t know how that is going to work :// [covid’s also a COLLECTIVE trauma I/we all are experiencing too, sooo... another layer for my millefeuille trauma pastry yay]. I am very lucky that medicaid at least covers all my prescriptions. I’d be down the pit if it didn’t and even more [is that possible ?] desperate. My abuser has slipped into the facade of civility and saccharine cloying sweetness [for the moment] but I am still financially cut off, eating what little food they allow me [they refuse to take me off their SNAP benefits so that I can apply for my own], and generally trying to retain whatever sliver of sanity I can at any given moment. The brain-fuckery is STRONG, lads...
I am lucky to still have [intermittent] wifi and cell service, but am acutely aware that this could be cut off at their whim, as could everything else. If anyone is familiar with the [very necessary !] hypervigilance that comes from growing up in an emotionally/phychologically/etc. abusive environment wherein character assassination goes on behind your back all. the. time... yeah, that is where I am. [I sincerely hope you aren’t familiar, but alas it’s very common...] I am reverting back to this, and each time I listen at a keyhole I am proved right. [”Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”] After over a dozen years of deconstructing this survival tactic the one person I thought would never engage in this type of behaviour is actively doing so, to basically anyone who is gullible/stupid enough to be taken in by their insidious sociopathic guile. I am sickened and constantly on edge. I get maybe 3hrs sleep per night [a liberal estimate]. But I keep going. Because in this situation, at this time, I simply CANNOT AFFORD [in any sense] to bottom out. And I am nothing if not bloody resilient.
Apart from my own microcosm, the current global crises [how many are there now ? I can’t keep up] are also exacerbating my CFS/Depression/Anxiety/the Laundry List. I’m not whinging, it’s just a fact. I am a Very Private Person, so this whole thing *gestures wildly* is like stripping naked in front of you... but so be it. I can’t afford to stay silent anymore. I am still very much in need of assistance! Any little bit helps towards necessities and saving up to get out and signal boosting/reblogging is everything! I am so overwhelmingly grateful to all of you, especially those who’ve reached out! It means the world to know I am seen and heard and have some semblance of support :’) I know I used ‘overwhelmed’ a lot in this... but, hey... that’s the Mood. Anyone looking for more background/info please check out my original post/s. Please stay safe, lovelies, all the very best wishes for you and those you hold dear,
All the love, Marty xx
#update#cw abuse#mental illness#chronic illness#lgbtq#please signal boost#!!!!#personal#very very verrry personal#I really need to make a gofundme...#but that is just another form of 'putting myself out there' that for some inexplicable reason terrifies the living shite out ot me#but oh fecking well#i need to shove that down and just get on with it#my secretive tendencies have done me zero favours#///me#i know this is rather loquacious and probably no one will want to read through it much less reblog it but...#this is me so what to do ?
novr-deactivated20190712
Source: novr
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
Last year, The HRC (Human Rights Campaign), reported that in 2019 alone, at least 26 trans and gender nonconforming people were killed in the United States alone. Disproportionately, Black trans people were the victims. Those I have illustrated here, do not even scratch the surface of what is, and should be recognised as, an epidemic. Now, more than ever, it is crucial that we do whatever we can to support the black trans community.
Please consider donating/signing the charities and petitions listed here.
EDIT- updated hyperlinks to petitions JUSTICE FOR TONY MCDADE https://www.change.org/p/justice-for-tony-mcdade JUSTICE FOR NINA POP- https://www.change.org/p/black-lives-matter-actvists-justice-for-nina-pop JUSTICE FOR TETE- https://www.change.org/p/portland-police-bureau-justice-for-tete MORE PROTECTION FOR BLACK TRANS WOMEN UK- https://www.change.org/p/boris-johnson-more-protection-for-black-trans-women-uk DONATE- BLACK VISIONS COLLECTIVE- https://www.blackvisionsmn.org TRANSGENDER LAW CENTER- https://transgenderlawcenter.org THE OKRA PROJECT- https://www.theokraproject.com LGBTQ+ FREEDOM FUND- https://www.lgbtqfund.org NATIONAL CENTER FOR BLACK EQUITY- https://centerforblackequity.org
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
Pride (2014) dir. Matthew Warchus
anenlighteningellipsis reblogged
For anyone wondering if/when I am going to continue this blog, I must tell you I am not sure when, but I definitely want to try. Everything I already experienced [depression, cptsd, anxiety, chronic pain, etc.], everything which already made my life rather treacherous and the state of my wellbeing tenuous, has been amplified. Everything is expanded and heightened and everything, absolutely everything lately, has been just too much to bear.
I have been persevering in my daily life as best I can, but minimally functioning. Blogging has become a drain on my system and a feeling of pressure has descended. Until this sense of pressure abates, until things become a bit more bearable, I can’t do this blog nor myself justice. It has been a labour of love for around eight years and I have always taken its curation rather seriously. It used to be [and can still be] such a source of joy for me; rather, I took joy in having this space as a creative outlet for ALL emotion, and it felt safe. Again, I feel sure I’ll be returning, but at this time I don’t know when. If you see anything new, it’s from my queue.
I know everyone, around the globe, is going through A Lot right now, and I wish you the very best of luck and heart and godspeed. We will get through this. I will get through this. I must keep chanting that mantra to myself, no matter how repetitious it gets. We all must. But, for now, I have to take a break. My ask box is always open. All my love to you, my lovelies, never lose heart ♥️✊🏻
UPDATE:
My situation has become, if anything, even more untenable. Every single issue I was previously [welp, consistently] dealing with has escalated exponentially. The most pivotal point was reached on the 21st of May when someone I trusted deeply, with my health/personal info no less, betrayed me and threatened to “have someone come and take me away” and have me committed. These threats were hollow, though nonetheless terrifying and panic-attack inducing, because I was in no way a threat to myself nor anyone else. That betrayal/devastation/crisis [which I cannot even afford to expend the energy to process rn] is compounded by the fact that I am currently trapped in a living situation with this person and am still [ESPECIALLY MONETARILY] dependent on them. They have cut off any form of monetary support, and I have no one else, nor any income of my own. I’m working on getting help/support and an income, but that is a labyrinthine process and I have no idea when that is going to manifest... I was/am in survival mode, hypervigilant, constantly.
Then... the 25th happened, the horrific video of the brutal murder of George Floyd was released and this nation’s systemic racism began to be confronted in an unprecedented way. My personal world and the country I live in and the entire world is in a justifiably rageful, desperate upheaval and resistance. At the moment I genuinely am just trying to use my voice on other platforms [though my audience may not be very large] to further the truth of various movements whilst still trying to hold my OWN world together with both hands, gather a support system and keep my physical/mental health at the very least “stable”... not sliding down into the abyss, which is calling me louder than ever before. The suicidal ideation is strong, y’all. I’m literally using spoons I don’t have rn, conjuring them out of thin air.
I know everyone is going through A Lot [even MORE NOW than previously stated in my original post !!] individually and/or as an entire diverse community [#blm protests, confronting systemic racism, defunding/dismantling PDs, demanding justice for countless black lives taken, and oh yeah A PANDEMIC is still here !! with NO VACCINE yet !! I almost forgot about that...] and there are A Lot of petitions out there to sign and gofundmes to donate to etc, and everyone’s been impacted in some way. I hope it’s evident that I’m not trying to detract from any of this, absolutely not. Please, donate to orgs and funds and use your voice for positive change! That said, if there is ANYTHING at all you can donate, please consider helping out a queer nb person who’s currently being retraumatised, teetering on the edge, grappling with PTSD, and trying to get their shit together. My timing couldn’t have been better, huh...
I only have PayPal [and the Ko-Fi link on my sidebar] rn, if venmo would work better please lmk
Take care, lovelies xx