anenlighteningellipsis:

For anyone wondering if/when I am going to continue this blog, I must tell you I am not sure when, but I definitely want to try. Everything I already experienced [depression, cptsd, anxiety, chronic pain, etc.], everything which already made my life rather treacherous and the state of my wellbeing tenuous, has been amplified. Everything is expanded and heightened and everything, absolutely everything lately, has been just too much to bear.

I have been persevering in my daily life as best I can, but minimally functioning. Blogging has become a drain on my system and a feeling of pressure has descended. Until this sense of pressure abates, until things become a bit more bearable, I can’t do this blog nor myself justice. It has been a labour of love for around eight years and I have always taken its curation rather seriously. It used to be [and can still be] such a source of joy for me; rather, I took joy in having this space as a creative outlet for ALL emotion, and it felt safe. Again, I feel sure I’ll be returning, but at this time I don’t know when. If you see anything new, it’s from my queue.

I know everyone, around the globe, is going through A Lot right now, and I wish you the very best of luck and heart and godspeed. We will get through this. I will get through this. I must keep chanting that mantra to myself, no matter how repetitious it gets. We all must. But, for now, I have to take a break. My ask box is always open. All my love to you, my lovelies, never lose heart ♥️✊🏻

UPDATE:

My situation has become, if anything, even more untenable. Every single issue I was previously [welp, consistently] dealing with has escalated exponentially. The most pivotal point was reached on the 21st of May when someone I trusted deeply, with my health/personal info no less, betrayed me and threatened to “have someone come and take me away” and have me committed. These threats were hollow, though nonetheless terrifying and panic-attack inducing, because I was in no way a threat to myself nor anyone else. That betrayal/devastation/crisis [which I cannot even afford to expend the energy to process rn] is compounded by the fact that I am currently trapped in a living situation with this person and am still [ESPECIALLY MONETARILY] dependent on them. They have cut off any form of monetary support, and I have no one else, nor any income of my own. I’m working on getting help/support and an income, but that is a labyrinthine process and I have no idea when that is going to manifest… I was/am in survival mode, hypervigilant, constantly.

Then… the 25th happened, the horrific video of the brutal murder of George Floyd was released and this nation’s systemic racism began to be confronted in an unprecedented way. My personal world and the country I live in and the entire world is in a justifiably rageful, desperate upheaval and resistance. At the moment I genuinely am just trying to use my voice on other platforms [though my audience may not be very large] to further the truth of various movements whilst still trying to hold my OWN world together with both hands, gather a support system and keep my physical/mental health at the very least “stable”… not sliding down into the abyss, which is calling me louder than ever before. The suicidal ideation is strong, y’all. I’m literally using spoons I don’t have rn, conjuring them out of thin air.

I know everyone is going through A Lot [even MORE NOW than previously stated in my original post !!] individually and/or as an entire diverse community [#blm protests, confronting systemic racism, defunding/dismantling PDs, demanding justice for countless black lives taken, and oh yeah A PANDEMIC is still here !! with NO VACCINE yet !! I almost forgot about that…] and there are A Lot of petitions out there to sign and gofundmes to donate to etc, and everyone’s been impacted in some way. I hope it’s evident that I’m not trying to detract from any of this, absolutely not. Please, donate to orgs and funds and use your voice for positive change! That said, if there is ANYTHING at all you can donate, please consider helping out a queer nb person who’s currently being retraumatised, teetering on the edge, grappling with PTSD, and trying to get their shit together. My timing couldn’t have been better, huh…

For the day crowd: If you can signal boost/donate anything to help a queer nb creator inch towards independence from their abuser, it would literally be a lifesaver !! I’m going into a shelter soon and I’m doing everything I can on my end to get govt assistance, etc but it’s just not enough and the process is taking way too long :(((

I only have PayPal [and the Ko-Fi link on my sidebar] rn, if venmo would work better please lmk

Take care, lovelies xx

08.27.20

Hi, I’m still [barely] alive. I should probably make a new post [there are two already], but just a quick update - my bio family have all now completely cut me off, I’m still waiting to see if I’m approved for ssdi, I had been under the impression there was a place in a shelter for me for a few months, but that was just shortened to a mere few days [which just... isn’t enough]. I’m at my wit’s end. I have no one, no resources, no support system outside my therapist and there’s only so much she can do. I still can’t work [cfs/cptsd kicking my bum, but I’m trying to kick back] and still have no income. Things are much worse than when I first posted this months ago and have gotten progressively more oppressive and emotionally/psychologically abusive since... I have never been this desperate in my life and would normally never dream of putting myself out there like this, but these are not “Normal” circumstances and I don’t really have many other options. If there’s absolutely anything you can do, you would be a lifesaver and I would be immeasurably grateful!!!

[my paypal]

#sorry to report....#still in a terrible place #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #please #signal boost #reblogs mean everything #personal #abuse tw #edging towards the light #i literally have no idea how i'm going to live..#how i'm going to get out of here #i'm trying not to indulge my suicidal ideation #but...#i just can't do this anymore

anenlighteningellipsis reblogged

We want everything, we want to be everything. We want to experience all the joys of good fortune and the full depths of suffering. We want the excitement of action and the calm of observation. We want the silence of the desert as well as the noise of the forum. Simultaneously we want to be the hermit’s thought and the voice of the people; we want to be both melody and harmony. Simultaneously! How could this be possible?

Hjalmar Söderberg, from Doctor Glas

#this is so real i'm cackling #ahh babe ikr !!!#it's. all. TOO. MUCH.#but...#I WANT IT ALLLLL #lol #serious fomo #experience #hjalmar söderberg #doctor glas #quotes #there's too much here i'm not tagging it all

anenlighteningellipsis reblogged

weshostakofish

in the makeup aisle

Rational brain: Not only do I not wear nail polish, but even when I did, I only ever wore black and just hoarded the other 20 colors I owned without using them. It’s a complete waste of money to buy any

Crow brain: Buy pretty shiny, bring home put in nest

#ALDKFAKLGAKJLKAKDLAKJDLKFAJ #c r y i n g gg #OHMY GODD #this is me with literally any/all powder palettes #idek how to USE THEMM #does it goes on my EYELIDS ? my CHEEKNOBS ??#do i need a Special brush from the cornucopia of brushes over there [that terrifies me] with which to apply it ????#HELL IF I KNOW #and i'll probably never wear any of it #but...#ooooo sPARKLY..... shinYYY... must. have. THE SHEEEEN #***#text #makeup #marty's tag waffles #[also... it's more like 'magpie brain' or more generally 'corvidae brain' but y'know w/e]

anenlighteningellipsis reblogged

mirroir

*sees the beautiful orange leaves*

*is stressed out because i’m not making the most of it, i don’t know what i’m supposed to do but they will be gone soon and i’m running out of time*

#i adore autumn #but...#somehow i've internalised all this sunconscious anxiety over 'missing out'#and i resent the fact that i've been the least affected by imposed conventions #of 'making the most of'#which of course means different things to each person #but #ummm excuse me #i'm 'making the most of' my life atm by surviving on a day to day basis #that's how much i can and will do #punctuated by brief periods of joy and contentment that's about as good as it gets #///me #***#autumn #to see if there's a pub

anenlighteningellipsis

#:'((((#lgbtq #anxiety #i should be excited and thrilled and all the rest #and gods do i want to be #but...#there's always something holding me back #not that i'm ashamed at all of who/what i am #on the contrary #i'm more worried about traffic and finding a parking garage and crowds #and parking fines #and possibly having a public panic attack bred from social anxiety #uuughg #personal #tbd

anenlighteningellipsis reblogged

decadent-hag

lifeinpoetry

Oh, what a home I have built in my skull. What a dark, savage forest. There is no furniture, no artisan humanity. No gentle place to undress my own thoughts.

Sierra DeMulder, from “After Googling Affirmations for Abuse Survivors,” We Slept Here

#goddammit alisia #i mean... i'm sincerely sorry you relate to this/anyone else relates to this #but...#dammit #***#just carve my heart out with a silver spoon #poetry #sierra mulder

anenlighteningellipsis

*

#*evades alisia's comment because i can't it's too much i'm blushing and i need to go to bed*#but...#by all means appeal to my ego #*showers virtual glitter confetti and heart eyes emojis all over your head*#!!!! <3 <3 #frigidtsarista

anenlighteningellipsis reblogged

thatgothlibrarian

Stevie Nicks was the first woman I ever heard say she had chosen not to have children because she cared more about her career. The first that ever warned me men might not like it if there are things more important to me than they are. The first that ever said that that was fine: sometimes, you have to leave them behind. Wherever she goes, she surrounds herself with girls. “I can’t imagine you in a bathing suit,” someone says in an interview for Rolling Stone, when Stevie says she likes to play in the pool in her backyard. “Yeah, well, you never will,” Stevie says. “There is never - ever - a man in the backyard. If there is, he is banished to the front of the house.” Men don’t get to look at Stevie Nicks unless Stevie Nicks wants men to look at Stevie Nicks. In her songs, even when she’s talking about how she has to change, she proclaims her power, her ability, her worth. She is a queen, she is a witch, she is a dragon, she is in control. She isn’t polite. She’s competitive. She’s bossy. She claimed all the things the men around her claimed — she spent as much money as they spent, had as much sex as they had, was as reckless as they were, stood at the front of the same stage — and never questioned that that was her right. The world tells us women are there for men, but despite all the boyfriends and the jokes about how she’s so easy and the sex-symbol status, she isn’t there for men at all. She does it without ever giving in to the men that dismiss her. She’s emotional. She’s dramatic. She raises her voice as much as she can. She thinks she’s pretty, she thinks she’s a star, and when her fans crowd up to the edge of the stage, crazy, she welcomes them, with open arms. She revels in it. She’s too much of a girl for you? She revels in it.

Stevie Nicks is a queen, a witch, a dragon

#well she's definitely not the first woman i saw/heard do/say similar things #but...#good on ya babe #feminism #stevie nicks #quotes

anenlighteningellipsis reblogged

ifveniceissinking-blog

quantumtardis

You don’t become Shakespeare by sitting underneath a willow tree writing away with a feather. You become Shakespare by falling in love, and by drinking, and by having women and affairs and falling in love and breaking your heart, and watching other people falling in love and breaking their heart. [In ‘The Shakespeare Code’] we do actually write him as massively intelligent. That kind of gets lost in the Liam Gallagher side of it. ‘Cause actually, he’s the one person ever who just looks at the Doctor and kind of knows who the Doctor is. Kind of works him out, studies him for a bit, gets him immediately. ‘Cause that’s surely what Shakespeare was like. Any good writer simply understands human nature, that’s the only talent a writer ever needs to have. They don’t need to know A-stories and B-stories, and three-act-structures and the history of the original version of ‘The Tempest’ and stuff like that, they just need to know why people do what they do. And that’s why Shakespeare’s plays are still performed, ‘cause everything Rosalind says in that forest is still true. “Men have died from time to time, worms have eaten them, but not for love”. The most cynical and most brilliant and true line ever written. And to have written that Shakespeare was just full of salt, and sweat and beer and dirt and ordinary people. That’s what he was. […] And that’s who Shakespeare is in the end. That’s who he is. He must have been. He must have been like that. He must have been that down-to-earth, he must have been that much of a laugh. He’s writing comedies - great, big, knockaround comedies with clowns and things like that - AND tragedies. Must have been.

Russell T Davies on Shakespeare. Toby Hadoke’s Who’s Round ep 124.

#russell t. davies #shakespeare #experience #quotes #i have never ascribed to the idea shakespeare was any one 'man'#but...#the message of this is nonetheless true #love #go out and live

anenlighteningellipsis

Anonymous asked:

black green blue teal

hmmm... i suspect i know who this is [and, if i am correct, then yes, anon, we do have a lot in common]

i’m flattered, darling, thank you

xx Marty

#at least my intuition tells me who you are #and i usually trust it implicitly #but...#hmmmmm #anon #inboxery

anenlighteningellipsis reblogged

oldhollywood-glamour

I have lived on stairs haven’t I? I don’t know it always happened. Stairs are very, very dramatic. I’ve killed men on stairs, fallen down on stairs. I don’t know it’s a strange thing. In Madame Sin there is a gorgeous staircase and I said to the director ‘You’re of course going to have me come down those stairs.’ He said. ’ I never thought of it.’