“You pushed and shoved my spirit and my very soul out of my body just to stuff it to the brim with your own. Another empty wake for you to occupy.
And you call that love?
How could you do that.
And how could I not stop you.”
-VI 3/21/22
It’s been three years since you said you wanted to be with me forever. so where have you been since then?
SR why am I still thinking about you
Isn't it just absolutely insane that you will always always have your soul. All those times you felt your heart ripping in your chest, all the tears diluting the shower water, and all your broken parts shattering on the floor. All the lowest lows, you still had your soul. And you're here now. So wasn't that all you needed?
06/16/2020
“Dear N, I know your dad wasn’t around to teach you the word ‘no’. But fuck. you.
Dear C, All I can say is thank you. Thank you for making me feel wanted. However short but oh so syrupy sweet. Dear K, It’s been four years and I still haven’t clung to someone like I did to you the day we said goodbye. Dear R, We never quite made it but I know the next girl crushed your soul. And god did that feel good. Dear S, Who knew that love and sex could be so opposite. Surely not me.
Dear K,
Did you have to hit me over the head with a bottle? Did you really really have to? Dear K, We really didn’t have to get coffee the next morning. Trust me. Dear D, For someone who looks like that, I really don’t know how we went so wrong. Dear A, If only narcissism could stand in for love, like a cigarette to a meal. Maybe we would’ve made it out alive.
Dear K,
Oh K. My sweet sweet baby. If only you had a brain cell more.
Dear A,
I see you learned the ol’ take a girl to the train tracks at night trick. And oh god did I learn to fall for it.
Dear V
The wisdom you hold in the very fibers of your magnificent being has so much potential to teach the world. Just not me.
Dear T
FUCK. fuck. This is it huh. The day I stop editing this poem. We’ll see my love, we sure will see huh
”
--to all the boys I melted for
04/06/2020
We’re all just chasing a good feeling. Really. Just think about it. Why do you want to fall in love? A good feeling. Why do you want to help others? To chase a good feeling.
That’s all it is. So when you ask if I’m in love with you? I can say I’m just after a good feeling. And it won’t be a lie.
2/21/2020
The other day she said to me ‘sometimes I just feel like a gas station’ and I laughed at the statement before she explained ‘people stop by to get what they need, whether it’s sex, laughter, or someone to suffocate the loneliness, until they’re full again and the last thing you ever see is them driving away’ and now I’m wondering if a gas station is all I’ll ever be
02/02/2020
“With tears in my eyes, I finally told you about the wretched ghosts of people that live in the darkest corners of my mind, and pollute the space in my head. The look in your eyes reassured me more than my mothers sweet whisper or my dads devoted grumblings ever have. Pity be damned, the love in your eyes breathes life into my aching bones every day you choose to exist with me. And when my world comes crashing down in a mess of tears and misplaced feelings, with or without you, the love you give me will reach out and say, 'come here, be still, and just be ok.'”
The first time that you screamed at me was the first time that infinite echoes of apologies couldn't bridge the widening gap between our hearts. In the same bed, yet further away than the planets. It was one of those turning points, the intangible kind. A screaming warning siren to one person, yet completely invisible to the other.
SR, where have you gone
After you, I thought I’d never need anyone else. But life’s not fair, and things fall apart…and I don’t know how to visit someone in prison.
SR 7/15/17
Fine. You win. I miss you. It's always a contest and I'm ready to accept defeat. Please just come back. I've had the worst day I've had in a while and I'm trying to trudge through it and I still can't get my thoughts to leave you alone. All I can think about is how I'm never not smiling with you, how weightless you make me feel. And I miss you. I miss you like hell and it's dragging me down like an anchor dropped in my stomach. I need you to teach me how to float again, but I'm here, and you're there, and I don't know how long I can keep from drowning on my own.
SR 12/19/16 @anchored-and-drowning
It's you. It's always been you. If you see it, I do not know. If I'll ever tell you, I do not know. I told my friends how strongly you've consumed me and they think I'm kidding because I'm too scared to say it seriously. I know you're the type to hide any trace of emotion you feel because I'm the same way. I'd never tell you this, but when we were laughing and I took your phone, you had a single reminder on your home screen when I looked at it."You will be okay". For a split second, my smile was gone and I looked at you. You looked like you'd just told me your most terrible secret. I almost asked. I was so close. But whatever this is, it's too fragile for us to go that deep so I just started laughing again. It was this night that it hit me so hard how much I want to dive into your depths. I want to know you. I realize I've never been upset around you, I've never not been laughing, or less than on top of the world.
But I never know what you're really thinking, if you even like me as a person, or if you hate me like you pretend to so well. Ever since I met you I knew. But it's forbidden. I don't even know if you're seeing anyone. How do I tell you I'm here? How do I tell you I care? How do I tell you I'd sacrifice it all?
I can't. And I'm sorry. Just remember, you will be okay. You will be okay. I promise, when your world comes crashing down around you, you will be okay.
SR 12/13/16 @anchored-and-drowning