the fact that time keeps passing and theres nothing you can do about it and we have limited time on earth and we dont know how much time that is. it could be today it could be tomorrow it could be 50 years from now you dont fucking know jackass hahahahaha!!!!
i’ve mentioned this here before, but it will remain one of the most ideologically influential experiences of my life: when i was in fifth grade i did a report on post traumatic stress as manifested in veterans of the vietnam war, and my father did me the huge favor of connecting me w/ a vietnam vet friend of his who was diagnosed with PTSD, assuring him that while i was only ten i was bright and curious and he should be as honest with me about his experience as possible.
i remember entering his office with my tape recorder, sitting in a chair that was too big, and asking him questions about war, and his life after war, while swinging my legs over the edge of the chair. i remember being very, very quiet as he spoke of pulling the car over on the highway for fear of crashing when his hands would shake uncontrollably in response to song on the radio or a smell that he couldn’t be sure was real or sense-memory. and of ruined relationships and anger and american hypocrisy.
and i also remember that was the day i learned what “valor” meant. he used “valor” in a sentence and i didn’t know that word, and when i asked him to explain “valor” he became very quiet. and i can’t remember precisely what he said, if he ever offered me the dictionary definition or not, but i do remember him looking very sad, and saying something about our country’s idea of “valor”, and also something about a broken promise. and there was an edge to his words that i couldn’t parse at the time that i would later come to understand was bitterness, that he sounded bitter.
to this day i can’t hear or read the word “valor” without seeing sunlight coming through his office window at a slant, close-to-sunset light, and feeling the kind of quiet, confused, completely internalized panic a child feels when they sense that a grown up is trying very hard not to weep in their presence.
they should invent love for me
love is not out there waiting for you, only you can build it
Carmy + Syd’s Dish
i have a bit of an oddly specific prompt, but; something to do with not being ready to grow up? or watching all your friends grow without you?
NO MATTER HOW STILL I STAND THE WORLD JUST KEEPS SPINNING
ocean vuong / sue zhao / harry styles / richard siken / euphoria / inkskinned / sufjan stevens /zhihuie / taylor swift / jenny slate
kendall recreating his childhood treehouse for his birthday and inviting a tribute act for the band he grew up with to play and hoping with every fiber of his being that his siblings will show up to his big party and then they do but it’s not for him at all and being told his dad wants to permanently kick him out of the family and finding out his kids made him a present but he can’t find it and realizing his little brother has been irreversably damaged by their father and he couldn’t save him and his girlfriend gives him a gift that’s not right for him at all and realizing nobody knows him and nobody cares about him and nobody loves him and this party is stupid and pathetic and he’s pathetic and he just wants to go home but he can’t and maybe he never even had a home to begin with and
bella: i know what you are
edward: say it…say it out loud
bella: batman
your sickening desire
