There’s Nothing Wrong With You

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was “There’s nothing wrong with you”. 

It was a Monday morning and I was relaxing with friends in a hotel pool after playing Lollapalooza. A lady bobbed opposite me sipping a ginormous glass of rose, and we started chatting. She was a stylist and told me that, when her clients tried outfits on and looked at themselves in the mirror, she would tell them “There’s nothing wrong with you”. I asked her why and she said, “because we all think there’s something wrong with us ”. It was such an odd, simple notion, but I felt like a little flower had opened up inside of me. It hadn’t occurred to me that it could be a universal feeling. There was always something so wrong with ME, I hadn’t considered that other people might feel the same. The comment stuck with me like glue for the next year. 

Illustration by Lan Truong

 I lived most of my life feeling like there was something deeply wrong with me. Everything I did was somehow geared towards fixing the parts of myself I thought were bad or ‘broken’. There was also an odd safety in being broken. I could quietly blame it for anything that went wrong in my life: “It’s not my fault: I’m f**ed up and I am very sorry!”. For a while, I had counselling, and though it was extremely helpful, I started to feel uneasy at the idea of chatting about my problems, potentially for years, if I chose to. Like, really… When would I be fixed?

For me, life =  Experiences + reactions to those experiences. The only power I have is choosing how I react to them. So, though I might have uncomfortable emotional reactions, I can choose to a) accept these emotions, instead of resisting them, and b) not interpret my thoughts as the Solid Gold Truth. Whatever your problems may be, (diagnosed or not), they don’t equate to you being broken. In my own life, it’s been unhelpful to think of mental health problems in this way, particularly when you’re struggling. You are who you are at this moment in time, and you’re doing your best. Brains are plastic. People can, and do, change.

Illustration by Lolrel

  If you follow my music, it probably won’t come as a big surprise to know that I’ve dealt with mental health issues for a long time. There have been 3 things that have helped me decrease periods of depression though. For anyone in the same position, I hope this helps.

1. Meditation

This changed my mind + my life. I started doing meditation in 2013 after Electra Heart had ended. I was burnt out and desperate for change. I took no classes, read no books - just looked at a 5 minute explanation on the internet. I didn’t even do it every day. Just 20 minutes in the morning or evening. In the beginning, I felt a little dubious about the idea of “wasting 20 whole minutes” on meditation each day. But here’s the thing: Meditation is like a vacuum for your mind. It sucks up all the dust and rubbish thoughts. I can easily waste 20 minutes looking at something on the internet that I’ll never think about again, so I can invest 20 minutes in something that changes the quality of my life. This blog described Meditation as “one of the best responses to modern information overload”. I truly believe it can be an antidote to our digital lives.

Illustration by Lolrel 

2. Exercise

I know, I know. When you’re depressed, the last thing you want to do is go outside INTO THE REAL WORLD! But if you’re bottom-of-the-barrel depressed, you have nothing to lose. For years I loved to declare that I “didn’t have a body that could run”  (in order to escape ever having to actually run). But when I start meditation, the negative thoughts about myself decreased and I started to want good things for myself. The motive of exercising was not to lose weight, so it had a different energy to it.

3. Identifying With Thoughts   The reality is, I still deal with depression, but my reaction to it is different. I am more aware of its mechanisms so I don’t take my thoughts as seriously. I try not to identify with a thought and interpret it as truth just because it came into my mind. Why? Because the way I think and respond to events is largely based on my past experiences, so how can I know that my thoughts are my own and not coloured by my past? This is why I don’t always trust my thoughts, particularly when they are of the negative variety. A book I hugely recommend on this is called “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. 

I’ve wanted to write this post for a long time for people who struggle with similar issues. Our culture has taught us to see happiness as some kind of end goal, but for me, the best thing about it is that it doesn’t stick around forever. Human beings need to experience some level of suffering in order to evolve emotionally and consciously. And though depression often feels like you’re stuck, or stagnating, it can also be a healthy way of your mind telling you that something isn’t quite right, and that it’s in the process of changing. We tend to view sadness as something unnatural, or negative, but perhaps viewing it as a necessary process might help us accept the low periods, and move through them more easily.

Before writing my last album, I honestly thought that I had just been born unhappy and that depression was a permanent part of me. I don’t believe that anymore. When I was writing ‘FROOT’ I felt like I was kissing goodbye to a big chapter of my life. That portion of my youth was heart-splitting and lonely at times, but it was also dazzling and beautiful. And that’s how life is for a lot of us. If only I’d known all those years that it was just part of being human.

Ask a question or share a thought here.  

Love, Marina

Straight girls love to pretend like they can be intimate with other girls without things being weird as if their behavior doesn’t literally rely on the assumption that the other girls they’re being intimate with are straight too. As if as soon as they find out a girl is attracted to other girls they don’t completely change their behavior and refuse to be anywhere near them. As if their refusal to invite sapphic girls to sleepovers or to get dressed in the locker room near them isn’t an even bigger “no homo” than actually saying it would be.

once straight girls learn of ur sexuality, platonic physical affection that was status quo from both parties before (arm linking, hair braiding, hugging or sleeping in the same bed on a sleepover) becomes taboo to them. they think it’s ok for them to sexualize every one of their lesbian/bi friends’ actions without consent. in my experience, physically affectionate friendship is fine and normal between me and my straight friends - until they find out I like girls. then every time I come anywhere near them I get sexualized jokes like “omg I didn’t know you were into me that way”, “do you secretly want to have sex with me, Avi?”, or critical attacks like “can you stop acting like I’m gonna go lesbian for you? it’s creepy” - all this over friendly gestures that were no big deal before my sexuality was made public. it’s made me feel disgusting from a young age to go near any girl even with no romantic context.

some straight ppl who wanna act like they’re good and not homophobic in this regard will say that touching between gay/bi women and their straight friends is alright, but only “as long as you’re 200% sure you’re not attracted to them” even though that logic is also super harsh?? tons of straight girls have friendships with their unrequited guy crushes and are still close enough to hug or jokingly touch or be affectionate and they aren’t deemed predatory for it. I remember having a crush on a straight friend in middle school and I knew it was unrequited so I never tried to act on it, I just continued to interact with her in normal friendship ways (which for us included things like linking arms and hair braiding, but since I knew she didn’t know about or return my feelings I never sexualized it in my head at all), and when I confided in my other (also straight) friend about my feelings for this person she yelled at me and said that if I knew she was straight I should never touch her again because that’s creepy and invasive. the next time the girl I liked asked me to braid her hair or wanted to link arms with me I teared up and pushed her away. 

there’s just no forgiveness for young lesbians and bi women for normal things. having platonic female friends apparently unacceptable because that’s “not possible”, but when we do end up with unrequited feelings for a close friend, which is completely normal, it’s framed as though we did it on purpose and were intentionally sexualizing that friend, and we’re then expected to atone for that attraction by making ourselves completely physically inaccessible and separate from that friend so there’s no question that we aren’t “being creepy”. put up a wall and be paranoid to ever touch them again in any way. unrequited crush on a straight friend = you’re never supposed to come in any physical contact with that straight friend again or else you’re a predator and sexualizing her and you’re gonna be talked about that way behind your back or to your face. and to add insult to injury straight women speak on this as though friendships between young lesbian/bi girls and straight ones primarily harm the straight girls involved, when in reality it’s the mental health of the lesbian/bi girls involved that is ultimately damaged.

Things You Shouldn't Have To Apologize For

1. caring about something/someone 2. not looking your best 3. being depressed 4. asking for help 5. following what you believe is right for you and not what’s right for everyone else 6. lending a hand to your friends in need 7. crying 8. BEING YOURSELF

‘Slay For A Change. ’ Stylist Makes a Statement About Police Brutality at New York Fashion Week.

Stop settling for people that talk like they love you but show you that they aren’t interested in keeping you in their lives. Actions always speak louder than words, and if you find yourself investing in someone that isn’t investing in you, cut your losses.

trans lesbians exist. trans lesbians are valid. 

HELP ME GET INTO COLLEGE

i’m laura, i’m 20 year old and i need help to get into college

so, here’s the thing: i live in brazil and things here right now are wild, we’re living in the middle of a political crisis and the economy is a mess. many brazilians are losing their jobs and having a hard time to get another one. things are even difficult for young people without experience in the job field.

both my parents lost their jobs and i can’t find one myself to help them and even getting a graduation. getting into college in brazil is hard for people from public schools who can’t pay for private classes to get prepared for ENEM (an exam that helps you getting into a public college, that ironically most people who get in are those who can actually pay for a private college) college tuiton is R$ 1000,00+ per month and i can’t afford it specially at this moment :(

i really need the help from the good hearts from this website to help me start my own business so i can help my family and pay my education. 

i need an imprinting machine and my main goal is R$1000,00 to start my small business of selling shirts on the internet.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=SFQUPQK8KRTHC

this is my paypal account and any donation count, since american money worth more than brazilian money.

please if you can, donate and if you can’t help me to signal boost this, is very important

THANK YOU!!

if a person of color is telling you you that you’re being racist you need to recognize it and apologize. if a gay/bisexual person is telling you that you’re being homophobic/biphobic you need to recognize it and apologize. if a transgender person is telling you that you’re being transphobic, recognize it and apologize. if a woman is telling you you’re being sexist, recognize it and apologize. the line is not yours to be drawn.

The hijab Q&A that nobody asked for but everybody needs

hi okay if you don’t know any hijabis/muslims personally, you might be wondering how it “works” and im here to answer ur questions!!

Q: Do you like.. wear it all the time?? (re: do u shower in it?? do u sleep in it?? when was the last time u sAW UR OWN HAIR??? ) 

A: Nope! To put it simply, we wear the hijab when we are around strange men. And by strange I mean men who are not directly related to us. That means I can show my hair to women. It also means I don’t have to cover from my brother/father/uncle/grandfather/child. I would have to cover from my male cousins because you can technically marry them (note: this is only one of the reasons we cover! it’s not only to cover from possible suitors lol. Just bc I wouldn’t marry a gay man, doesn’t mean I don’t have to cover from him. The quran says to cover from men and not from women. that’s pretty broad and open for interpretation. I keep it simple for myself- I cover from all men and do not cover from any women, regardless of sexual orientation. This could differ from one hijabi to another). I also would not have to cover from my husband if I were married. Lastly, we don’t have to cover from any young boys who haven’t been “through puberty” yet. I guess it’s up to the individual to decide when that is as well. 

Q: It seems kind of sexist to me that men don’t have to wear hijab, but women do…

A: Actually, men have their own hijab. (It’s not the turban you may see some men wearing, they are Sikhs, an entirely different religion.) Men have their own modest dress code to follow and are expected to follow the same rules the women do action-wise. Remember that equal does not have to mean identical. It wouldn’t make sense to ask men to cover their boobs or women to grow beards (we’ll come back to that later). 

Q: I always hear about women being forced to wear it… That’s oppression and wrong.

A: I completely agree. “There shall be no compulsion in [acceptance of] the religion” (2/256). That’s taken directly from the Quran. Forcing someone to wear the hijab is a sin. Furthermore, many Muslims believe that hijab is not required/is only preferred/is optional. There’s a lot of interpretation involved in religion. It totally depends on the person and their own beliefs. 

They way a Muslim chooses to wear their hijab also differs from person to person. Some women choose to cover their entire body. Some wear abayas (the black dress) and niqabs (the veil that covers the face). Some wear a simple scarf to cover their hair and dress “modestly” (this, again, depends on your interpretation of what modest means). Some just cover their hair. Some show a some of their hair. Some wear turbans. Some dress modestly, but don’t cover their hair. Some only wear it on certain occasions. (more here on the diff types of cover)

For men, some choose to grow beards (many believe this is just “sunnah” which means it is preferred, but not compulsory). Lots of men don’t follow the rules set for them. That can be due to personal beliefs, but I won’t deny the misogyny apparent in the Muslim culture (note: culture, not religion) probably has a lot to do with that. 

Q: Do women only wear hijab for religious reasons? 

A: No. I mean, that’s probably one of the most prominent reasons women choose to cover their hair, but there are many different factors. In many cultures, hijab is considered a thing of beauty. It’s a fashion statement (for Muslims, we’ll talk about cultural appropriation in a sec). It’s tradition. It’s a part of their identity. It keeps them in-tact with their religion and it identifies them as a Muslim to other Muslims. The reasons are endless, but I think you get the picture. 

Q: I heard hijab is just keep men away.

A: As @angrymuslimah put so eloquently: Hijab is not to prevent men from looking at women or “protect them” from men. Hijab is not for men, or to help men control themselves - it’s for women themselves, to empower women. Men in Islam have a responsibility to lower their gaze and respect a woman no matter what she is wearing or what she looks like. 

Q: Can women ever take the hijab off for safety reasons? (ie: heat exhaustion/possible attacks by islamophobes) 

A: Totally! You’re obviously never supposed to compromise your health for anything, regardless of your religious beliefs. I once got asked if it would be okay for a women to remove her scarf when playing soccer in serious heat and my answer she could if she wanted to (again, she can do wtvr she wants), but playing soccer is optional. there’s a difference between wanting to play soccer and really having your life in danger. If hijabis choose to wear the hijab while playing soccer in 100 degrees, they’re badass and props to them for sticking to it even when it got hard, but that’s kind of the point of hijab. Again though, your health always comes first. 

Q: I see hijabis sometimes and I want to compliment them/tell them it’s pretty, but I don’t want to be disrespectful. 

A: It’s totally okay to compliment us! Please do! I live for the validation of strangers! For real, though. Just think about it this way, if you can say it to a non-hijabi and not offend her, you can probably say it to a hijabi. You can compliment anyone on their scarf regardless of where it is on their body. 

Q: Can I wear the hijab if I’m not Muslim?

A: There is no specific way to wear a hijab. there is no specific fabric. We get our scarves from h&m and forever 21 like everyone else. There is nothing that identifies a hijab as a hijab except the wearer. So if you want to cover your hair for your own religious/personal reasons, you can do it! That doesn’t make it a hijab! The only thing that makes it a hijab is the wearer labeling it as a hijab. As long as you aren’t doing that, you’re not being disrespectful or appropriating our religion. (wearing it out of respect if you’re in a mosque or a predominately muslim country is also okay!)

I would however, advise against wearing it as a fashion statement. It’s not a style or accessory. 

/So this got really long and I’m stopping here but I haven’t even really made a dent in the hijabi discourse. If yall have any more questions, you should ask your friendly neighborhood Muslimah! I promise, we won’t be offended, we just want yall to know the truth. 

Thank you for this!