15x20 and human!Cas...

I’m losing my mind a little over the fact that Jensen talked about how Cas’ celestial heritage stood in the way of Dean actually internalising that ‘I love you’ in the moment, and I’m losing my mind a little because Cas’ celestial heritage has always been hinted at acting as a soft obstacle to how these two relate themselves to one another: for Cas in his learning to not fear his emotions and to dare to feel things fully, and for Dean in his absolute belief in his unworthiness of love making him feel crazy for even thinking, let alone ever daring to hope, that Cas might ever feel anything like that for him.

So for Jensen to even mention it... *head exploding*

Guess when in the narrative this obstacle wasn’t present? Actually, it felt like it was glaringly non-present. 

Yeah, during the human!Cas arc. When Dean was already beginning to quietly enjoy Cas talking about the shower pressure and about having had sex (I mean, I cannot see that offered revelation as anything but provocative on Cas’ part) and Cas wanting a burrito, only for the cock-blocker that is Gadreel to, out of pure narrative necessity, to immediately demand Cas get asked to leave the bunker. 

And Dean’s face... “The bunker is safe!!!” But nope. Dean’s left no choice.

And so Cas goes.

And then Dean goes to see “Steve” at that Gas-n-Sip and Dean is apologetic, of course, and trying to make sure that Cas will forgive him for asking him to leave, but he’s also eager to get Cas back on a case, to work together, to remind Cas of who he truly is. And he does. Cas tells him that he’s scared of dying, still grappling with what his humanity and mortality means, and Dean understands -- why wouldn’t Cas want out of the life? -- and Dean respects Cas enough to not push or continue to cajole Cas into where Dean wants Cas to be: still in the life so he can still be in Dean’s life. But the interaction serves it’s purpose. “Steve” is nothing but an armour of pretence, because being human doesn’t necessitate giving up protecting innocent life -- only Cas’ fear of dying necessitated that, and Cas sheds the pretence, and goes to join the brothers on a case, using the fact that it’s to do with the fallen angels as a very sound excuse for him to be “back in town”.

And we get the most openly flirtatious moment ever between these two in that bar, at that table, with the beer and the “every hookup can’t be perfect” and there’s this gentle moving into something different for them, only then we get Cas learning that Sam needs help, and there seems to be a war coming, and Cas decided that he can only be useful to the fight, he can only be helpful if he’s powered up, so he swallow’s Theo’s grace.

And we get one of the most tense phone conversations between Dean and Cas ever. Dean looks so shocked that Cas is an angel again. Is Cas sure this is what he wants?? And Cas is. If there’s a war coming, he has to be ready.

And so that gentle moving into something different for them grinds to a halt, because Cas not being human again slams all of the walls back down. Dean just cannot believe that Cas won’t just break apart of he tries to care, he cannot see Cas Angel of the Lord and Warrior of Heaven as a being that would ever fall in love, not in the same way a human would. 

That’s not to say that this is the truth.

We now know that it isn’t the truth at all. 

What I’m getting it as that I’m curious what we’re getting in 15x20 because if Castiel is dead (long live Castiel), then what we’re getting back might be something different. Of course, he’ll be something just the same because the humanisation of Cas culminated in that “I love you”, but you know what I mean. 

If we get Cas back human, then this might actually mean that Dean has to readjust again... Because what was the “love” that Castiel talked about? Will Cas as a human still be feeling it? How does it work? 

I’d most likely fall apart completely if we get Dean being happy, so damn happy, to have Cas back and yet so damn self-conscious and not necessarily insecure, but nervous. Like Dean’s trying to suss out where they stand etc. and exactly how he can broach the subject or try to hint to Cas that hey, he’s felt the same way for the longest time, but he never even dared hope that Cas would ever love him. And Dean is all: he said he loves me, but that was before, and this is now, so does he still...?

Anyway. Hopes and wishes. I just love the human!Cas arc so damn much and to have them interact that way again would be ambrosia for the brain. 

*is it thursday yet?*

I almost hope we get Cas just showing up. The way he’s just shown up all the other times Dean has had faith he would. You know? 5x01 is perhaps the exception, but then again, it was all so new then. 13x04 was the first time we were brought in to witness Cas’ return, because it was important for his arc. His arc is complete -- apart from the reward -- so it would be kind of funny of Cas calls again or just knocks on the door of the bunker and is like... I’m back. 

And then it’s revealed that he’s back because Dean fucking prayed, every night Dean’s prayed, and it woke Cas in the Empty and he did his thing and got himself back... *muahahhaha I wish and hope*