I got inspired by @ozonecologne ‘s coda of the episode 13.12. You can find it here. 

Thank you again for writing this coda, it was very lovely, and it gave me feels about the show again.

my thirst is unquenchable

(inspired by this)

12.12 coda

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Dean gasps. He pulls Castiel’s jacket off with both hands and doesn’t even bother shutting the door behind him. No point anyway. He bites down on Castiel’s lip without being cute about it.

“Dean,” Castiel hisses, helpless. His hands hover uselessly out to the sides as Dean pushes him deeper into his bedroom.

“‘I love you?’” Dean accuses, squeezing Castiel’s hips with those rough beautiful hands so hard that it would probably bruise anyone else. “Just like that, in front of everyone,” he says. He shoves Castiel down, hard.

Castiel bounces a little on the bed, right against Dean’s chest, quickly descending down on his. He looks like he was the one that got hit by a truck, eyes wide open in the oncoming headlights. “Dean.”

“Don’t,” Dean growls, ripping Castiel’s shirt open. Buttons scatter to the floor. His skin is pale, smooth, unblemished beneath the cotton. Soft and pliant where his nails dig into it. “You couldn’t even look me in the eye, you coward.”

Castiel can’t deny it or defend himself.

“Your last words,” Dean adds, dangerously close to a sob. “Were going to be…”

He pulls back from Castiel’s face and pants into his mouth. His nose brushes against Castiel’s in a kiss of its own. His lashes are wet.

“I love you,” he whispers.

Castiel reaches up and wraps his arms around Dean’s neck, drawing him into a hug. He knows, intuitively, that Dean isn’t repeating his own words from before. He’s just stating a fact.

And quite a personal one, from the way his lip quivers. The kind of fact that’s unwavering, heartfelt and secret but truer all the same as the seconds tick by, which makes it that much harder to confess to somebody else.

All the breath in Castiel’s body leaves him at once, painfully. Dean doesn’t give him the chance to say anything else before he surges forward again and kisses him, wet lashes cool against his skin. He’s gentler with it than before. His hands, still tacky with dried blood, come up to loosen Castiel’s tie. It slithers limply in his grip, cool and silky, and Castiel gasps when the fabric slides across his nipple. Dean bunches it in his grip against his knitted-back-together side.

“The… door,” Castiel sighs.

Dean turns his head and kisses his cheek. His ear. The bolt of his jaw. Dragging his warm, slack mouth along the rough skin of his neck. “Doesn’t matter,” he tells him.

That’s his serious voice.

Castiel swallows hard. Dean licks a long line up the column of his throat.

“Just be with me,” Dean pleads. His hands go to Castiel’s belt. “God, I really thought I was going to lose you,” he laughs, a little hoarse.

“I really thought I was going to die,” Castiel confesses, just on the right side of hysterical. He lifts his hips up just enough that Dean can pull his pants down over the swell of his ass. Castiel hesitantly reaches up and runs one hand through Dean’s hair.

He walks his fingers down until he’s cradling Dean’s face. Their eyes catch, and hold.

Without another word, Castiel starts divesting Dean of his clothing. They kiss and they kiss and they kiss until their faces rub raw with stubble burn and their lips are red and wet. 

The door stays ajar, and the sounds of their hushed and anguished moans echo like old ghosts through the halls.

12.07 coda

Sam isn’t much up for talking after tonight. That’s cool, it’s understandable. That move with the door earlier was pretty sweet, so Dean lets him have the space he needs. He’s been a little touchy lately anyway.

While Sam takes a lap to burn off some steam, Dean looks over at Castiel.

Crowley rocks back on his heels. “Well. I’m going to go… find some ice. For the eye,” he mumbles, and then he shuffles away.

“You sure you’re ok?” Dean asks, once he’s sure that Crowley’s gone.

Castiel’s shoulders sag. He rubs at his eyes. “Sure.”

Dean reaches out to grab Castiel’s elbow, before he thinks better of it and shoves his hand into his pocket instead. Castiel’s got a bloodstain on the collar of his coat. Dean nods at it. “That’ll come out, right?”

“I don’t know, Dean,” Castiel sighs.

Dean scowls. “Alright, fine, be a bitch about it,” he grumbles.

“Can we not do that tonight?” The request is weary and sad, but totally heartfelt. No more fighting, please. The cut on his cheek drips sluggishly still.

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12.03 coda

He doesn’t just flee to his room. He runs.

He would have slammed the door behind him but he doesn’t think he has the strength left. Figures. Can’t hold his family together, can’t hold himself together -

He feels his breath hitch painfully in his chest long before he even realizes that he’s crying.

He sits down on the bed. He doesn’t have anything left to do. He can’t even hear Sam’s footsteps in the hallway. Gone, gone, everyone’s gone, he’s all alone again, why does everybody keep leaving him?

He doesn’t even pick up the phone. His breath just hitches again and he throws his head into his hands.

“Cas,” he sobs. And once the dam has broken, his shoulders start to shake in earnest.

Dean thinks that it’s possible he’s never felt pain like this before. His mother’s always been taken from him, never left him. She was safety and security and warmth. She was the star of Bethlehem that called him home, that called him back to himself. He’s stared at her photograph countless times and seen only love in her eyes.

But now she’s left him, too.

His legs have cramped something awful from sitting so long in this position by the time his bedroom door cracks open, but he falls pliantly into Castiel’s grip once he gets his arms around him.

“I came as soon as - Dean. Dean, it’s ok.”

Dean shakes his head, buries his face into Castiel’s chest. “She’s gone, she’s gone,” he keeps mumbling, in between bouts of tears. He’s distantly aware that he’s smearing the salt of them into Castiel’s thin shirt, but Castiel just holds on. He runs a hand through Dean’s hair, soothing and gentle just like he remembers his mom doing when he was -

So he cries and he cries and he cries, and he lets Castiel hold him. And he curls his hands into the lapels of Castiel’s suit jacket and his thighs quiver like he’s made of water.

“What did I do wrong?” he whimpers. 

Castiel makes a sound like he’s halfway to sobbing himself. “Nothing,” he tells him. “Nothing, you did nothing wrong, it isn’t you,” he promises. He says it over and over and over again.

Castiel kisses the crown of Dean’s head and rubs his hands down his back. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry,” he says.

Eventually, Dean will tire himself out. He’ll lie back against the pillows and he will drag Castiel down with him. He’ll wake up sweating from a nightmare about his mom burning on the ceiling - one that he hasn’t had in years. He’ll still feel ice shards digging their way to the center of his heart, and remember that it was Mary’s hand sending them deeper.

Everybody leaves me.

Castiel touches the back of his neck, and he feels a little steadier.

But at least there’s someone that always comes back.

Rockstar!Cockles ;) Thanks Nashcon.