My ride of internal emotions when I say something self-deprecating as interpreted by emojis

😆😂😁😀☺️😐☹️😞😟😖

When people usually ask, “How are you doing?”, I tend to respond based on how close I am to the individual: If it’s a friend, I tend to tell them the truth whereas if I’m speaking with an acquaintance, I often respond with a “fine,” “good,” or “okay.”

There was a recent instance where I felt pretty bad about things and I had a c c i d e n t a l l y answered with a “friend” response to an acquaintance:

A Case of the Mondays

So evidently, two of my friend and I were tasked upon saving the world somehow (still don’t know who or why they chose three nurses instead of, you know, professionals who save the world from destruction, but that’s besides the point). I can’t recall the whole dream sequence unfortunately, but I do remember the last minutes pretty well...

We managed to outrun something that was chasing us by taking refuge inside a person’s garage. After several minutes of scrambling on what our next plan of action would be, I started to feel the effects of inability to breath – apparently, the “end of the world” meant “depriving Earth without oxygen.” I struggled to breathe for several minutes before finally experiencing to tunnel vision and subsequently blacking out.

...To which I awoke in my bedroom, except with to the wails of distant sirens, people screaming in the background, and—for some reason—Muse’s “Apocalypse Please”. blaring from the clock radio sitting on my desk Trying to figure out what the heck was going on, me mum muttered, “We only have minutes to live...” before I yet again succumbed to the effects of asphyxiation (not to mention I tried crying but couldn’t, l o l), except the respiratory distress and chest pressure lasting significantly longer than my other dream.

After losing consciousness once more, I woke up to the real world. I looked at the clock: “04;30 AM” it read. Monday.

I fell asleep at midnight and woke up at 4:30 in the morning on a Monday...

....the time I tend to go to work...

...but today, I don’t even have work...

w h y ~

Guess I’m part of gossip at the office now, LOL. Well, it’s more of a hospital than the office, but still...

In a nutshell, I wanted to watch Logan during my stint of having a couple of days off, but unfortunately, my friends were rather occupied with work and/or school. I decided to ask this one person from work over Messenger (we’re not exactly friends as we haven’t really talked much before, but I figured this might be a good way to get to know her more as I thought she was pretty cool). She declined the invitation, stating that she was neutral about the film and movies in general. I assured it that it was okay and giving my thanks in replying to my message.

Two days later, I receive a text message from one of my friends stating that she was in the break lounge at her department (the person who i tried asking works in a different department, but my friend and her share the same staff lounge):

Apparently, she was (according to my friend) touting to two colleagues about her rejected me, even going so far to add, “I may not be a good catch, but I do have standards,” during her story.

Man.

I mean, I’m used to rejection already (or just flat out being ignored), but the fact that she muttered that comment just s t i n g s !

Sigh – it’s okay though, haha.

dream sequence: the day after.

I was at a gathering with people, where I happened to meet an individual who was evidently in the midst of dating the same girl who I had an outing with last night.

I decided to ask about their social outings as I was rather curious. They provided such an elaborate, exuberant talk about their experience and the person kept on reinforcing the fact on how things went well. After their several-minute discussion, the individual asked if I knew the girl as well.

“Yeah, I – uh – actually went to dinner with her last night. It was pretty cool.”

“Oh, splendid!” he responded with a chuckle. A long pause. “So…do you think this girl is right for you?”

I couldn’t bring myself to say “yes” or even a “maybe” after hearing about their spectacular dates together.

“I… I don’t know.” I sighed, looking down at my drink.

I woke up from my dream to the darkness of my room.

One of my colleagues at work caught me muttering "stupid” to myself after I had made a blunder on the computer (out of habit).

“You need to stop that!”

“I was calling you that, I was calling myself that!”

“I know! But still.”

Can’t believe I (generally) prefer my work life over my personal life.

[sigh]

What a joke.

she should have just said “good night” and that could have been it – but no...

So before I left for my shift tonight, I wanted to say good luck and good night to one of my patients as (a) she was scheduled for discharge soon and (b) I wouldn’t be there to officially say see you later on her final day.

After she thanked me for all the help I had offered for today, she started to laugh and pointed a personal picture of a lady and a gentleman:

After spending several minutes of my further expounding, she finally cracked and mentioned she had a boyfriend (which was the fella in the picture, as I had expected).

I bet she does...

...I bet she does.

Have you ever pondered about your life problems and/or vented them to another party...

...but then you suddenly realize the issues others face by the time you conclude your internal/external dialogue, and you just feel so pathetic for complaining about your struggles that you just feel even worse in the end?

I had a dream the other night in which I was talking to a girl sitting next to me at a seated outdoor concert venue. I guess the band was still in the midst of doing soundcheck, so we decided to chat it up a tad (we went with nobody [personally, I’d never go to an event alone in reality, but hey, dream rules!] but somehow managed to have seats next to each other).

I guess things were going well as she was about to ask for my contact information when suddenly, a guy sits next to the chair next to me and interrupts her mid-sentence to introduce himself and shake her hand. Following his greeting, she shifted her focus towards the guy and they started to have their own conversation...

...all whilst I was between them (she apparently forgot about me).

Before I was able to internally cry and/or get up and leave, I woke up.

So I apparently went to Laguna Beach with a friend for an outing last night and I honestly could not handle it, l o l...

I literally screamed at the sight of the coastline whilst in the car (a) as she didn’t tell me where we were headed to the “beach” beach (i.e., not just the inland area), (b) I haven’t seen the beach in several years, and (c) the “beach city” aesthetic was breathtaking (I mean, it’s nothing crazy like other “wonders of the world” out there, but when you’re stuck landlocked at work and at home with nowhere to go as well as being a proletariat temporarily visiting a rather bourgeois side of town...it’s pretty magical).

We had dinner outdoors, drove along Pacific Coast Highway, and managed to sit on a bench at Corona Del Mar as we watched the sun set and sky fade to black whilst listening to Explosions in the Sky and it was honestly a rad experience, but at the same time, I had these moronic thoughts that infiltrated my mind sporadically throughout the night.

...After typing that all out, I honestly do feel like an idiot.

What kind of an idiot does an internet search on “retirement planning” at 10 in the evening?

My overall nervousness jumped significantly because I feel so left behind in terms of what I know versus what I should know (in terms of general things one should know at their expected age).

For example, I know that you’re supposed to have an x percent of your income devoted to your retirement fund: sure. But I just learned it’s more complicated than that. Apparently, there are different types of funds (or whatever—I don’t even know the exact term [Exhibit A of an inadequate knowledge base]!) that you can pick up out of? And to be honest, I thought it was all about the 401(k), but then I learned about IRAs (it’s more than just the Irish Republican Army)...and apparently there are SEVERAL TYPES of IRAs?! NOT TO MENTION THERE ARE MORE THAN JUST THOSE TWO “MOST HEARD ABOUT”—

Like... I don’t know – I’m currently 23 and they say you need to start the ball rolling when you turn 25 (if not earlier)... That is less than two years, and I—

[sighs]

I’m just so worried about l i f e.

I wanted to hang up the phone after I rambled that bit...

Have you ever had instances where you want to defend something but determine upon assessment that the argument wouldn’t be worth it?

I woke up at four in the morning because I wanted to read up about life insurance and loan forgiveness programs, l o l.

♪ Welcome to the good life~ ♪