Health issues incoming (but on a good way).

For context, I have been dealing with normal middle-age issues (eldercare for a parent, loss of a parent, dealing with the complicated estate of a parent, teenage kids, aging body) and some not-so normal issues such as teenager-with-serious-chronic illness* and Farming Events. This has been going on since, uh, about 2015. So I'm absolutely at the end of my rope.

In July I saw a nurse practitioner for shoulder pain, severe sleep problems, and a whole LOT of muscle tightness and pain. She suggested that the latter two problems were actually being driven by anxiety and *asked if I was ok with* her prescribing two different anxiety meds. This was the RARE OCCASION that attributing symptoms to anxiety instead of treating them directly was actually reasonable. I would have asked for anxiety medicine directly if I hadn't been blown off by another doc years ago.

Well, I over or under react to many medications, and it took me a while to 'dial in' the dose that would help me but not render me comatose**, but. But. Things are so much better now, and I'm in a positive feedback loop instead of a negative one. Better rest at night, feel more energetic in the day, get more done, reduces anxiety, knowing I have medicine for night, reduces anxiety, which reduces muscle spasms, which reduces pain, which reduces anxiety . . .

Damn! I keep dancing around the house because it's such a relief. I'm not full time exhausted. And I'm not full time in pain. The shoulder is still to be addressed, but things are much better. And I'm grateful.

*THAT one is successfully resolved, thank god and Dr. McIntyre

_** a fun 4-5 days, there, to be sure.

Clavicle

   Last week I broke down and scheduled a Dr. appt. I’ve had sleep issues not resolvable by otc meds or ‘good sleep hygiene’ for over a year, now, some very painful muscle tightness/spasms*, and shoulder pain radiating down my arm agonizingly. I’d like to think I can get some help, (although they scheduled me for three weeks out) but I’m also sadly very skeptical of Drs.

   The shoulder thing has been an on-and-off issue for a couple years, since Hero and I had a fall together (It’s important that I didn’t fall off him! He fell out from under me! But the results were the same.)

   Anyhow. I decided to try to websearch to learn more about pinched nerves, shoulders, collar bones, everything. Maybe let me anticipate her questions a little and be able to answer more accurately, or give me an idea of what to ask her. One of the sites I pulled up mentioned dislocation of the collarbone showing as ‘asymmetrical’. Which makes sense, but I’d never thought to check. I had my daughter check the inner edge of my collarbones, right and left”

   “Euuuuuhgh!” she said. So. apparently. I’ve been walking around with my collarbone out of place for uh. a couple years. It isn’t visibly asymmetrical, but she could clearly feel a problem when she checked them with her fingertips. Whelp. Now I know what to ask the Dr.

   That would explain some things.

* THAT can be resolved with alcohol! But I would much rather NOT.

The List

   Every now and then someone, and I must say it’s usually a man, asks me, “So, what do you DO all day?” I can say with some pride that I have not bludgeoned any of them to death. But earlier this week I was emailing one of my cousins. He hasn’t been in a great place emotionally, so I’ve been trying to keep in touch and bring what cheer I can*. I told him the things on my daily to-do list, joking that it would help me be accountable for actually getting them done. He responded the my list was a bit long (it was quite normal and didn’t even contain most of the daily work like making dinner and barn chores) and that setting impossible goals was probably why I was stressed.

   I cried. I laughed. I did not bludgeon him to death. I took 24 hours to respond and then tried to politely fill him in on the Categories of Things that I am responsible for around here.

  “I had to laugh about the ‘impossible goals.’ It was exactly a year ago, when I was sitting in the hospital all day [with my father] going out of my mind, that I bought a full-size spiral bound notebook for my lists. I was thinking of things I needed to do while I was in there with him, plus needing to take notes when medical people were talking to me. The notebook ended up being a lifesaver. So I make a MegaList knowing I won’t get everything done that day or even that week, but it helps me prioritize shit and not forget the many, many tasks. I just have . . too many categories. Garden, orchard, livestock, trail & fence maintenance, insurance bs, bills, tax-related paperwork, the other house, Dad’s estate issues, meetings/appointments, cooking, laundry, housework, tutoring, kids’ athletics, artwork. There’s not a whole lot of wiggle-room there to just - not do one of those.” 

And that sounds like a Lot but - there are also many things that didn’t even make it onto that list and - I think many moms have quite a similar slate of varying categories of work to do. Whether they work outside the home or not. It’s a cliche, but . . you do not know what goes into running a household unless you have actually Run a Household.

I need a chatelaine**. Wait, I AM the chatelaine. I need an assistant chatelaine. Girl, help!

* Which is, you might notice, a Thing that I Do.

** Don’t ask until you have tried to look it up first, please.

Warning

   Things I didn’t know until fairly recently: The famous poem about wearing purple (by Jenny Joseph) is actually titled Warning. I’m sure I’ve read or heard that thing a hundred times, but I never knew the name until I wrote a parody of it based on my personal feelings on aging.

Ode to Warning!

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which, wait, screw that shit . .

I shall wear a purple velvet tunic

with a red lace bra that does fit me

Hot Damn and it doesn’t have to suit anyone but me.

Victoria has her secrets, after all.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a satin sandal but I’ll have good quality

cowboy boots and I’ll wear men’s jeans if I have to, but I will wear jeans.

I shall spend my pension money on new canvas and brushes and still live just fine;

when I sell the paintings people will get misty eyes and say “I wish I could paint like that.”

If they had spent forty years practicing, they could.

I’ve been sitting down on the ground when I’m tired for years.

I won’t run my stick along the railing ‘cause that’s a damned nuisance

but I will give you a good smack with it if I think you need one.

I will go out in the rain in my bare feet, and plant flowers in other peoples’ gardens.

I’ve been spitting for years, too. You can’t bale hay if you don’t spit.

I’m a great example for my children.

I’m teaching them to be themselves and care about other people,

Not be what other people want and care what other people think.

I think that I’ve been old since I was about three

And my mother wanted so much for me to behave like a lady

I behave like an old lady

And I wasn’t kidding about that stick.

Hard as Bone

   I got a bone density scan earlier this month, a first for me, and I was quite interested to see the results. I’ve taken an awful lot of hard knocks over the years, and never broken a bone (other than my tailbone), so I was assuming that I’m dense. In the nicest possible way.

   During the week those lab results because available online.

   So they’re looking at the left and right hips and the lower spine, assuming that is a good proxy for the whole body (seems reasonable). But what is a T-score? This sounds ominously like statistics. Amazingly, I was able to find a site that explains all this.

   So, yep, that’s statistics, baybee. Good thing I was forcibly immersed in statistics to tutor my son last semester. We literally looked at this exact methodology. So apparently my spine is right at the median for young (30 yr old) women but my hips are 1 and 1.4 standard deviations lower than median. This doesn’t tell me how I stack up against my own age group, just measures against an average person in her prime.

   I’m not thrilled with that result, and the implication that I am more at risk for fractures if I, I dunno, fall out of a tree or off Hero than I thought I was. I’m glad to be able to understand the results, though. Maybe I can find some sort of reference to compare against 50 yr-olds, just for fun.

Friend?

   A friend of mine sorta ghosted me a while back. I kept inviting her over for a while, but eventually I stopped - not wanting to be a pest. I was awful hard, though, because I REALLY felt close to her. A couple time I’d see her in a store around town but she always rushed off after the briefest of hellos.

   Last week I reached out again, and invited her to the farm for some New Year hiking. I love a good hike for NYs, it feels like a good way to reflect on the health of the farm and forest, and whatever else I need to consider. She said she could come over the 7th, so I am rather anxious. That’s good, yes, to have a date scheduled? But I am anxious. I hope

   Man-oh-man is it jarring to meet an older person in the community and have them say “HEY did you graduate from {school}”. You say, “Yes! I did!” and they say “I thought so, I graduated the year after you.”

  Oh, wow! Nod. Smile. Internal screaming.

Priceless memories

   Wow. It’s priceless to get out Ye Olde high school yearbook and share it with the kids.

See this cute li’l freshman with the 80s hair? She’s the grumpy lady in the main office, now!

Kids:  !!!!!!!

See this wild-eyed young man with the barely-there ‘stache and the 80s hair? That’s your friend Kenny’s dad.

Kids:  !!!!!!

Me: Wanna see your cousin Wy’s mom? Look!

Kids: OMG the HAIR

Me: 80s. Yep.