only americans will understand::

shirley temple DVD set infomercial 

I was like "I love you" to my partner and they said "I love you" and I was like "Prommy?" And they were like "I pr--" and then they physically recoiled from me and looked at me like

My partner and I were in bed when I saw this, he was about to fall asleep when I showed it to him. He laughed and said he liked the post. I started to laugh and said "Uh oh I've given you a dangerous weapon, you can't use this word." And he said he wouldn't, and I immediately shot back with "Prommy?" I got him. I got him so good. Light laugh about that, then said he was trying to go to bed, so we said goodnight, I said I love you. He said I love you too. We then locked eyes, my lip quivered, and I started laughing into hysterics. Full blown tears, about to throw up kind of laughs. The mere thought of getting him with two attack "Prommys" sent my body into a crazed state. Probably laughed straight for 5 minutes. After I finally calmed myself down he said, "The least you can do is reblog their post" that added another two minutes of laughing like a crazy person. So thank you, have a weird lovely memory now due to this post.

Pierogi pillows

middle aged lady on my bus just called someone's partner "your whimsical idiot boyfriend" over the phone . with sincere frustration might I add

The boy is Really Orange.

so focused on the problem, he cant see the solution

STOP IMPRISONING HIM

He warned us

i cannot blame cats for using their fangs to put perfect little stapler holes in cardboard bc if i had such fangs you bet your ass id be doing that too

Do not let his appearance fool you! he may look like a suave businessman, but he is unemployed and only one years old

My mom texts me: “Put your heart sunglasses on the cat!” I dunno mom, they’re big and I don’t think he’s gonna go for it. “Just try it, I saw it on Instagram, it’ll be cute.”

Nope.

Nope.

Bowie, please do not eat that.

OH SHIT!!!!

not to worry mutuals, I’ve recruited a halfling to detect any and all spike traps on your dashboard, just make sure not to scroll too fast so he has time to find them

yeah okay ill reblog that

cats be like damn we are cuddling 😳 what if I bit you for no reason

girls be like damn we are cuddling 😳 what if I bit you for no reason

had a bad low blood pressure moment last night and messily asked my partner for saltines and water before realizing i should probably ask for the Blood Pressure Medication I Need To Take. while they went to go grab it though i still had water and crackers so in a daze i took a swig of water but didnt swallow and then tried to cram 2 saltines in my mouth. full of water. in bed. with mouth full of water

Oh My God Damn

yeah i can't endorse this one