I’m the anon who has questions about asexuality. Thank you very much for helping me. So I’m 29, female, never had sex nor a relationship nor have I ever kissed anyone. I do like looking at topless men, but I’m not sure if that’s sexual or aesthetic attraction. I don’t really have an interest in everything waist down. Except maybe if a man has nice calves xD I’ve never fantasized about a sexual relationship with people I actually know. In fact that’s quite a turn off for me. 1/
There were some people I would’ve liked to come closer physically, but only for hugging and holding hands. Before I discovered whump I thought I’m just a sadist xD Sometimes the helplessness of certain whumpees arouse me. I sway between whumper and caretaker. Of course I would never hurt someone in real life, although I’m quite fascinated that there are masochists who like to be hurt. 2/
In theory I think topping someone would be fun, but firstly it’s hard to find someone and secondly I think it would be too sticky. I very shortly used a dating app, but it’s just too tiring. I’m happy on my own. Sometimes I miss someone I can watch shows together and talk about stuff. And travelling is annoying because I’m usually paying for a room for two anyway. That’s about it. I hope that’s enough info you can work with xD I’m very curious of your opinion. 3/3
Hello! Apologies for the slow response!
Okay first of all I want to preface this by saying that only you can determine if you’re aspec. The decision to identify as ace is one only you can make. So I can offer advice or resources or my opinions but I cannot tell you that you’re ace or aspec. If you think you are aspec then you’re aspec.
But you did ask for my opinion so I will say that from all of this it definitely sounds like you could fall on the asexual spectrum! What you’ve described here sounds like a lot of things that I and a lot of other aspec people feel/experience. For the record I am also a 29 year old female. Never having/wanting sex before, never having kissed anyone, looking at men for aesthetic reasons, no sexual fantasies, being kind of aroused by whump, like the idea of nonsexual cuddling, I’m right there with you on all of that. That can all totally indicate you’re ace.
As for where you fall on the spectrum, I can’t tell you that because I believe that only you can say that for sure but I can give you a few things to look at and think about that might help figure out.
Some things that helped me figure out which identity fit me the best was to sit down and seriously reflect on how I feel during certain situations and how I think about things in regard to physical intimacy and affection and sex. Like, I discovered I was actually pretty repulsed by the idea of kissing someone and holding hands is uncomfortable for me but I love hugs and cuddling. And that I’ve never actually experience sexual or romantic attraction but what I did feel was more akin to aesthetic, sensual, or platonic. Things like that.
There are lots of types of attraction and it really helps to sit down and figure out which one you’re feeling. There’s sexual and romantic attraction which everyone knows but there is also aesthetic (attraction to someone’s appearance but not having the need to pursue any type of physical, romantic, platonic, or sexual relationship), sensual (the desire to interact with others in a tactile, non-sexual way, such as through hugging or cuddling), emotional (a desire to learn more about the person), physical (a desire to touch or be touched) and more.
So if you like looking at topless men but don’t feel any desire to have sex with him? Could be aesthetic attraction (all the times i talk about how hot someone is? yeah for me it’s aesthetically attractive). Enjoy or have the desire for cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing but don’t want to have sex? Could be physical or sensual attraction. Want to hang out with someone and spend time with them but not date them or have sex? Could be platonic attraction (so many people I thought I was attracted to sexually or romantically turned out to just be platonic crushes).
A lot of what you’ve described sounds like you don’t feel sexual attraction but might experience more aesthetic and sensual attraction and have a libido which is not the same thing as attraction. That sounds very asexual to me. But like i said, it’s ultimately up to you! If you think your on the ace spectrum but aren’t sure of where on the spectrum you fall it’s okay to just use the term asexual. It’s both an identity and a spectrum so anyone who falls on the spectrum can use it. “Asexual” can be used by anyone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Whether you never experience it, only experience it when a deep emotional connection is made, or experience it but very rarely, the ace label is for you.
Some resources:
This page does a great job of laying out some of the many identities under the asexuality umbrella if you’d like to explore a little further: https://www.glaad.org/amp/ace-guide-finding-your-community
AVEN is also a great resource. They have a really great FAQ section that might be helpful: http://www.asexuality.org/?q=general.html
This chart has a lot of the identities and their definitions on it. As you reflect on your feelings see if any of these fit you. Also, it’s okay to use more than one! All of these fall under the Ace umbrella and it’s perfectly alright to use as many as you want to! It doesn’t have to be a one or nothing type of thing
This got long but I hope it’s been helpful. I’m always here to talk or offer help/advice if you need it! Remember that no one can determine your identity but you and labels are there to make you happy and comfortable. You’re not required to use them but you can also use as many as you want. It’s about making yourself happy, something to give you peace and help make sense of yourself (that’s what they do for me).