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#sex mention – @aceofcourse on Tumblr
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Ace of Course

@aceofcourse / aceofcourse.tumblr.com

this is a safe and slightly humorous space for aces but also aros and others. no disk horse here. really invested in ace-thetics. I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm a nonbinary asexual. theme by drxgonfly. main blog my-fanaticdomain. tired.
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Anonymous asked:

hey im not sure if you answer questions like this and this might be kinda personal, but i think i might be ace, but im not sure, so like how do you know? i have trouble figuring out my emotions so im never certain what im feeling, but ive never really wanted to sleep with anyone in particular and most of the time i find the idea of sex pretty icky. but sometimes i think that maybe id like it if i tried it, but i dont really have the urge to do so. 1/2

i keep reading about sex drives n stuff but im not even sure what a sex drive is supposed to feel like, so im not sure if i even have one. idk, im just a little confused and i guess that if i start identifying as ace some part of me will think im faking it cos i dont know if im sure. i know this is a lot to ask so feel free to ignore this if you want, but i just wanna know, how do you know for sure if youre ace? 2/2

Whoo boy! For starters, these are totally normal worries and questions, and I'm super proud of you for reaching out. I know this can be tough, but trust me, you will figure it out.

The definition of asexual is: does not experience sexual attraction. To me it was super simple: you don't want to have sex with anybody? You don't even want to think about other people sexually? Congrats! You're ace! Now, this experience is not the same for everyone, but generally speaking if you don't look at other people and (comfortably!) think about what sex with them might be like, asexual can be a really useful label for you. It expresses a disinterest with something most people are expected to be interested in. (And honestly, while allos can get really confused or defensive about this, do you think sexy stuff would be so prevalent in our culture if it wasn't the assumed normal?)

It can be confusing to identify a lack of something. It took me a long time to figure out what sexual attraction is, and honestly, I still don't completely get it. There was a long time where I thought maybe I was attracted to EVERYBODY because their appearance had literally no bearing on how I felt about them. Eventually I reached out to a trusted friend, who was pansexual (and defined it as attraction where gender is not a factor), and he explained that if I was experiencing attraction I should probably feel differently about different sorts of people.

As for sex drive! That's specifically your desire to, putting it crudely, get off. Orgasm. You know. Your body can have different opinions on it than your brain. Like, tmi warning, but I am asexual and sex repulsed and I still masturbate from time to time. It happens. You can probably figure out if you've got one by paying attention to how the purely physical stuff makes you feel. I would definitely recommend doing some research on AVEN and Scarletteen here, but this is something you might never be able to be sure about, and that's okay. It wouldn't invalidate you as an ace.

Phew. Okay, finally, sex isn't something you have to try just to see, and not trying or trying and then liking it wouldn't make you a fake asexual. It all comes down to whether or not the label is useful to you. For me, it opened up a whole community of people who experience similar things to what I do, and who intrinsically understand things I struggle to explain. It let me know I wasn't broken. It gave me a shorthand to explain myself to other people. It taught me to accept who I am. The questioning process can be ongoing, but whether or not I decide I'm actually something else in the future doesn't change the benefit I got from identifying as asexual. You don't have to know for sure. You can still call yourself ace. And if anybody challenges you on that, let me know, I'll fight 'em!!!

As a final note, if anybody wants to clown on this post, they're getting blocked. I recognize that these are my subjective opinions. I understand the instinct to correct me. I welcome constructive criticism, but I refuse to tolerate hateful engagement. Thank you.

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You know who doesn’t get enough love? Ace boys. So here’s to the demi or grey-ace or ace boys. Here’s to the boys who get told by society that they should be all about sex but who don’t feel the same way. Here’s to the aro boys who get told they’re jerks for not wanting a relationship. It’s ok, you’re ok! You and your feelings are valid.

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reblogged

Identifying as demisexual says nothing about your sex life. You can never have sex and be demisexual. You can have sex with people you’re not in a relationship with or have a strong bond with, or have sex often and still be demisexual.

Demisexuality only describes under what circumstances you experience sexual attraction. It says nothing about behaviour.

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Anonymous asked:

Hi I'm a bisexual woman with an asexual girlfriend and I need some ace advise. At the beginning of our relationship we did some sex things but soon stopped bc she was disinterested. I recently was asking her if I had ever pushed her into something she didn't want. She said that she had wanted to want sex, and that's why she had went along with it, and that she really hated her sexuality for not wanting it. This is heart breaking for me, bc I want her to be proud of who she is. How do I help her?

Hi! First of all you sound like an amazing girlfriend so kudos to you for reaching out. Sadly this is one of those things she has to figure out on her own, and all you can do is support her. Remind her that she is not broken! It's honestly one of the most difficult things to come to terms with as an ace. But if the significant other in her life can reassure her that it's okay not to want sex, that she is valid and loved, it can truly help a great deal.

Also! I'm sure you are well meaning, but remember it's okay not to be proud of yourself! It's okay to be angry or upset that you are a certain way! Sometimes that is part of the healing process that leads to being alright with yourself. Sometimes you can never get far enough to be proud. That's alright.

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Three kinds of attraction and why it’s important to know the difference

Aesthetic attraction: “I want to look at you.” You think someone is beautiful, very pleasing to the eye, but you feel no desire to touch them.

Sensual attraction: “I want to cuddle you.” You feel a great deal of affection towards someone and you want to hug them, hold them, perhaps kiss them, but with your hands never straying below the belt.

Sexual attraction: “I want to fuck you.” You want to do things of an explicitly sexual nature with someone.

Why is this distinction important? Because I didn’t realize I was demisexual until the age of 27 because all my life I thought that aesthetic + sensual attraction was the same thing as sexual attraction. I always thought that finding someone beautiful and wanting to touch or kiss them was sexual attraction, but realizing that it’s not, that sexual attraction means actually desiring sexual acts with a person, has changed my life and explained so many things. When I was figuring this out, a number of other people commented that they felt the exact same as me, so I think this is some pretty important stuff to spread around.

It’s important to know that there are many different types of attraction we can experience as humans. It’s part of what makes our sexual/romantic identities so rich and varied. 

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The differences under the ace umbrella

I’ve reblogged this like 12 times but it will always be relevant

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hamburgergod

This analogy is good, and even easier to understand once you think of this “urge” as being hungry. 

Asexuals are never hungry. Demisexuals aren’t usually hungry, except sometimes they walk by a donut shop they’ve become familiar with over time and there’s a chance that they find themselves hungry. Grey-asexuals sometimes get hungry, sometimes not.  

Some aren’t sure whether they fall under the ace umbrella or where on the spectrum they’re on, because they think they might’ve felt hunger before but they’re not really sure if it was really hunger or if their stomach was just upset or what, so they’re still figuring things out.

None of them choose to not be hungry. 

Sex-repulsed aces don’t like/hate donuts for different and valid reasons. 

Sex-indifferent aces don’t mind donuts. Some will maybe eat some, but most times they probably wouldn’t go out of their way to go look for donuts to eat.

Sex-positive aces like donuts. They’re not hungry when they eat donuts and they’re not eating donuts to stop being hungry, but they like eating donuts, so they do.

I really like how OP mentions that celibacy is the same as going on a diet, because that really shows how different asexuality is compared to celibacy. Generally speaking, celibate people will still go hungry but they choose to not eat. With asexuals, we don’t get hungry, period.

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blazinaces

I think of sexual attraction more as appetite, and sex drive being like hunger. So for aces with a sex drive it’s like you might be hungry but nothing ever looks good.

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Anonymous asked:

What’s the difference between sexual arousal and sexual attraction? I enjoy sex but it never occurs to me to initiate it, it’s kinda a surprise like “oh hey I think you’re pretty- whoa alright I can go with this” I honestly just like people from an artistic standpoint, even though I can really enjoy sex. Genitalia itself freaks me the hell out- it looks so weird. Sorry for the TMI, feel free to not answer or answer privately if you want :)

Alright so I’m pretty ace so I’m not sure but like, sexual arousal is just a physical thing whereas attraction is more mental. For example, if you look at someone and think you want to bang them that’s attraction but if you’re just reacting to sexual stimulus that’s arousal. This is such an asexual thing to wonder about btw, the idea of attraction still confuses me. I’ll reblog something that explains this better if I can.

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