The weirdly competent Doctor

So! The Watchtower's Medical Bay is a hub of constant Activity. With the number of Heroes who work under the Justice League, there are always injuries, health check-Ups, and illnesses that need healing.

But with the amount of Variant Biologies that those Heroes have, it's always a guessing game as to how to help them best. Some Metahumans react positively to penicillin, but others react like it's their Kryptonite. Some Aliens have anatomy similar to Humans, others are so different you can't tell the Stomach from the Bladder.

So when they hired a New Doctor for the Medical Bay, they had to run him through an entire Course on Variant Biologies and how best to treat specific Heroes. It was long and difficult to remember fully, but it was necessary for him to know.

But then the new Doctor started correcting Them.

"Actually, Martian's react better to the Syrup of Eucalyptus Plants better than Penicillin, since Eucalyptus is very similar to a medicinal plant from Mars which they used in many of their antibiotics."

"I don't think just pumping double doses of sedative is the best way to calm down a Speedster, that could have adverse effects on their body. Perhaps try Psychic Intervention? Their minds move a Mile a Second, but if you can calm them down their bodies will follow suit."

"Of course you use Micro-Doses of Kryptonite to operate on Superman! What else would you do?! I don't know, maybe ask JLD to enchant your Equipment to make use of Kryptonian suseptiblity to Magic? The Kryptonite is just gonna give him Cancer!"

Of course the Doctors didn't take kindly to being rudely corrected by a newbie, and Fired him on his first day.

Then a few days later their usual Treatments don't work, and they decide to give those strategies the Quack Doctor gave them out of desperation.

And Lo and Behold, they work! Martian Manhunter is fully healed and feels much better than the previous times he has needed surgery. Apparently they used a different Antibiotic that worked better with his Biology. Which was incredible, how had they figured it out?

Another Doctor you say? One who was experienced on Martian Biology and Medicinal History? He would very much like to meet with the man!

...

What do you mean you fired him for talking back?!

“I’m not coming back.” Danny stated plainly.

“As we’ve told you, the staff’s decision to fire you, was not under our jurisdiction. We were not aware of the circumstances nor the gross negligence showed by our staff, this is something we promise to fix.” Batman gruffly said.

Batman droned on, as if reading a corporate script, this comparison only worsened by the man’s monotone voice.

“And I said no. If your staff behave like this to fellow doctors, I don’t want to see what they’d do to stranger.” Danny breathed out, punching his nose. “Your workplace has proven to be toxic and unsustainable, I will not be even considering your offers until you fix the issues set internally.” Silence filled the room, Danny fidgeted uncomfortably. Had he said the sentences Jazz told him to repeat, wrong? He thought he’d remembered it pretty well, but as the awkwardness grew he truly questioned it. “Look Mr Batman, I understand you need better healthcare for your teammates but after years of knowing them and treating their injuries, it’s not my fault none of you thought to experiment with actual healthcare. Your negligence is not my issue to solve. “

The man in front of him slightly bowed his head in acknowledgment. Before speaking once more.

“You are correct. The fault lies on my shoulders for not dedicating time for the well being of my teammates. Things will be slow to fix, could you offer any insight into what to fix first? I know it is a petty consolation gift, but please indulge me.”

Danny hesitated a few seconds, before speaking plainly. “Stop using kryptonite on superman for surgery. You are basically inviting a cancerous cell to go and party in the body of a weakened and injured man. I’m impressed he hasn’t gotten cancer yet,” silence for a few seconds. “Ya know maybe check that out soon? Like as fast as you can? But hey the bright side if he does have cancer he can sue the people who used it for surgery?”

In unrelated news, reporter Clark Kent is taking a leave of absence as a routine health check revealed he has stage 1 cancer.

Breaking news Superman is sueing the JL medical staff for giving him cancer.

Apparently the medical team was microdosing him with kryptonite to do surgeries, with it be on grounds of negligence, or is it something else?

What else has the medical team done to our beloved heroes? Find more out soon

-

Things aren't going as expected.

The Justice League needed some more medical staff but the time it would take to properly train someone to perform medical assistance on multiple species isn't something the league have in spades. So they looked for a doctor who was already trained, and they did, the search was a great success!

Apparently, the medical team didn't think so. On the doctor's first day he was fired after pointing out ways to better treat the league.

The fact that Superman of all people has cancer? Does Not Look Good.

Thanks to @starry-bi-sky I now have another dpxdc idea based on how Danny would meet the YJ group. And for some reason the Weasels are Thirsty.

Fucking Twitter or TikTok.

LONG-HAIRED PUNK DANNY FTW FOREVER AND ALWAYYYS!!! He has lost SO many fucks to give. He is tied with Clockwork with the amount of fucks he has.

The idea of Danny doing that "be careful who you call ugly in high school" thing is SO funny to me. And in the tiktok it's like, he uses one of his freshman pictures for the first five seconds, and then the rest of the 10-15 or so seconds is him jamming out to the tiktok sound. Which is a a tiktok edit version of "Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)" by Blu Cantrell, the camera swaps from the photo to him at the beat drop. It's clear from the video that he's mostly just having fun while also being slightly suggestive (which is part of the fun).

(In the caption, it only says; try shoving me into lockers now Dash <3 #fyp #lmao and any other relevant tags)

He is, naturally, in eyeliner with wings sharp enough to kill an adult man. A black, slightly baggy Dumpty Humpty shirt with the sleeves cut off DIY-style, jeans with holes at the knee and a chain hooked onto the belt loops, and a not-so insignificant amount of rings on his fingers. And, of course, the relevant earrings and piercings. He may or may not be wearing black lipstick.

It appears on Cassie's FYP first, and she promptly sends it to the YJ group chat after appropriate fluster-ness. It takes all but a minute before the gc is blowing up afterwards. I don't know who says it, but someone is sending "WHO IS THIS CREATURE" in all caps, exactly like that.

They're all grouping up within minutes to huddle around one of their phones and/or computers (probably tim's, just for convenience) to look deeper into just who this alluring, vaguely inhuman boy is. They're also going over his other tiktoks, which i imagine are not all thirst traps, but idle shitposts that include but are not limited to:

and then a small pool of other videos where he's being playfully flirty to the camera. which promptly gets saved to all of the Core 4's collections. Tim is quick with finding the rest of the boy's information, up to and including: his name, his hometown (which seems almost boringly plain), where he went to school, etc, etc.

Putting his stalker skills to good use.

That power outtage tiktok DOES end up happening later down the road, like. A week later. Bart is the first one to see it, the lucky bastard, and sends it into the GC where they all collectively lose their minds. The sound in question he was using for this video was "Eat Your Young" by Hozier, specifically the; "I'm starving, darling. let me put my lips to something, *lights go out* let me wrap my teeth around the world." line.

the v-photo ends up on his public instagram account (he has both public and private) and in the background he's Somewhere He Should Probably Not Be. Or he's just, in his apartment and you can see the lower half of tucker's body in the frame. He's sitting in the armchair.

ALSO LIVES. He does tiktok lives and you NEVER know where the fuck he's gonna end up. Some days he's in his apartment. Other days he's in the middle of some fucking spooky forest??? Other days he's On The Roof. Roof of where?? WHO KNOWS. Everyone is playing fucking geoguesser trying to figure out where Danny is. Danny finds it hysterical

His public account names are all suitably anonymous too. In the sense that his real name isn't used in any of them, and he goes by like "Supernova" or something. Stealing from Aphmau actually. His account handle is "Ultra_Nova_"

one day he's just. In a warehouse. Just casually fucking around in a walking OSHA-violations warehouse, and when someone in the comments goes "NOVA?? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU??" Danny notices and in a cheerful-but-in-a-lazy-drawl way goes; "I have been taken to a Third Location" and then flips the camera around to reveal more of the dilapidated building.

"someone should teach these losers kidnapping 101 because i'm pretty sure you're supposed to take the guy your kidnapping's phone." and then he adds, in a more distracted voice, "they don't know how to tie a knot either..."

and. oh my god. the camera turns and faces a window and, Bart recognizes those buildings outside. THATS CENTRAL CITY. ULTRA NOVA IS IN CENTRAL CITY. he's never moved so fast in his LIFE.

because YES, I AM ROBBING RED ROBIN. I initially thought "Gotham" but then went "oh actually you know what would be FUNNIER?" and then yoinked danny out of Gotham and into another city.

stuff happens, for the sake of what im about to do next: danny is the only kidnapping victim. And he doesn't stay livestreaming for long, he cuts it off shortly after Bart speeds out to Central City or... wherever he is.

One rescue later, Bart, like 18-ish with the rest of YJ and Danny, has Danny rescued and in a bridal carry. Bart is Trying To Stay Cool. he is SO cool. Cool as a cucumber. He is gonna be SUCH an impressive and professional hero in front of Ultra Nova.

And then Ultra Nova shifts, his brows slightly furrowed, and then one hand is curled around Impulse's jaw while Ultra Nova proceeds to stick his whole face into his throat, right at his pulse point. Close enough that he can feel his teeth -- more importantly the tip of his fangs -- flick against his neck. Impulse manages to keep his head on long enough to realize that Ultra Nova just?? Fuckign??? smelled him??

And you know what, I'm saying he's wearing this dark red lipstick today because then I now get to say that it's gotten slightly smudged -- and, oh shit, Bart is realizing it's probably gotten onto his suit -- but before he's fully processed anything, Nova is pulled back, a curious and thoughtful look on his face.

And says, fascination clear in his eyes; "Huh, you smell like time."

which is a HELL of a sentence to say. Bart has fully short circuited at this point, so he's all stammers and tongue-stumbles. But he manages to go through the motions of how he usually rescues civilians, even if he's painfully red in the face and flustered, and gets away before he can do anything stupid. Or before Ultra Nova can knock him right off his metaphorical feet again.

Holy shit the interrogation he comes back to. the rest of the YJ4 want to know EVERYTHING. What was he like? Is he as nice in person as he is on screen? What happened? Was he hurt? Was Bart hurt? Is that his fucking lipstick on your throat.

Bart stumbles his way through the sentence "He was really nice. He said I smelled like time. Holy shit he's so hot in person"

and this is not where I end BUt its like. almost midnight for me and i should get ready for bed.

(Not) Another Joker

Over time, effects from Danny’s ghost form starts to bleed over into his human form.

His skin gains a deathly pallor. His hair turns white before gaining an ectoplasmic green tinge. When he smiles, it looks just a bit too wide to be human.

He, completely coincidentally, looks a lot like the Joker.

Not that he realized that fact for a while. Sure, Joker’s crimes may make the news sometimes, but it’s not like anyone in Amity Park paid that much thought to a criminal in an entirely different state. The connection just… never occurred to anyone.

Well, that was until Danny ended up in Gotham for [dealer’s choice of reason—college, vacation, runaway, etc]

Because then everyone noticed, and it started to cause lots of problems for him.

Oh i just had a potentially fun idea for another way to take this:

What if Danny visibly appeared through a dimensional portal of some sort, so people go and assume he’s the Joker from an alternate universe

What if he starts to go by the name, Jester. To mess with the Joker and prove that he can do it better then him. So at first, Batman and the justice league thought he was the Joker form the alternative earth were he is good and the justice league is evil. Owl man v.s Jester and all that you know. Him fighting Joker with his own brand of chaos only adds points to this theory.

And that idea could be reinforced if he mentions he fought an evil rich guy with a vampire theme (Vlad)

Everyone, immediately: yeah yeah, evil alternate universe Batman, we've all seen it. Good alternate universe Joker??? I mean it's not technically unheard of but it's really not as common, and still a little bit of a new concept. Like, who would ever think the Joker would be the good guy? Especially if Danny mentions he has an evil alternate future self who kills everyone and takes over the world??? Everyone's immediately like, oh yeah that sounds more like what we'd have expected of an alternate universe Joker.

"But don't worry guys I screamed at him and now hes in a thermos outside of time so that universe doesn't exist anymore." <<Danny doing more to protect people from the ""Joker"" than Batman ever did, or so think the JL.

Haha kidding.

But still, the idea of a good Joker is so strange, people think that Danny's just pretending to not be a horrible person so that they let their guards down and he can set up an evil plan to stab everyone in the back. It takes a while for them to warm up to him. Especially when he brings up weird science haha

I like to think that some Gothamites saw a confused Baby Joker step out of a portal and immediately thought time travel. This must be Joker before he became the clown prince of crime. Quick someone kill it before it becomes more powerful!

But when Joker sees internet videos of a confused Baby Joker stepping out of a portal? 50/50 whether it's fight on sight or a new protege with some good taste. It probably changes from moment to moment tbh. But even if he decides on the latter, he's immediately outraged as soon as Danny takes more of Batman's attention than the Joker does, let's be honest.

Danny, seeing another billionaire vampire wannabe taking an interest in him:

In other words, this kid is definitely not like any Joker Batman's ever seen before lol

Oh! But can you imagine if Danny mentions Red Huntress as the frenemy ("well, she thinks we're enemies but I think she's starting to warm up to me") who's always trying to shoot him? And he refers to her as Red? "—with this red mask on all the time and new gadgets she steals from Plasmius—yeah the rich vampire guy—cause she used to work with him but now she hates him—" and now they're all convinced she's Red Hood's alternate universe counterpart?

I'm imagining Bruce arriving to see his son on the floor, with a tiny 4-year-old child sitting on his stomach, already in the process of using his teeth to rip the cap off of a permanent marker to doodle on his dad's face.

Now.

He could step in and stop the kid from doing it...

But it's far more funny to take pictures of his grandson absolutely proving that he IS a Wayne by taking advantage of his dad's inattention to cause mischief.

And besides, Alfred would threaten to not give anyone dessert if he doesn't have any photos of his great-grandson up to no good. There's plenty of wall space to fill with photos of the family, and Bruce would never deny Alfred's passion for documenting as many family moments as can be recorded.

A few hours later, with Danny perched on the kitchen counter watching his new great grandpa bake cookies and humming happily, Tim has to endure the pictures of a green blob drawn on his cheek by his own newly-revealed son and his siblings laughing and cooing over the new photos on the wall.

Somehow, even in the midst of committing mischief, his son looks like an absolute angel if you ignore the sharp teeth and glittering freckles

DPxDC Demon Children Are Multiplying

This idea is still stuck in my head, and I might even end up writing something out of it, but for now, I just thought of something equally really, really stupid and really, really funny.

What if I combine that idea with Al Ghul Twins. I don't know how. Maybe Talia was cautious about Ra's not wanting to keep two kids for a position of Heir, or maybe she staged Danny's death, or maybe something else entirely happened. But anyway, Danny is Damian's twin.

Then, Dani is the same age as Danny in this AU. And Dan is de-aged to be the same age as both of them.

Now behold an absolute train wreck of a situation where Bruce attends a Gala hosted by Vladimir Masters. Together with Damian, of course, and maybe other batkids are there too. They all part their ways to make their rounds or whatnot. And they all keep seeing Damian wherever they go. Just everywhere.

Dick is talking to someone, and Damian walks past him, not paying him any attention. Which is not surprising, but a little rude, and, wait, wasn't he wearing a red tie? When did he change it to green one?

Tim is just going on the top floor to greet a lady he recognizes from some other event, and Damian all but storms in the opposite direction, only letting Tim catch a glimpse of his face. But when Tim turns around, he is really confused: the person running down the stairs is clearly a girl, albeit she is wearing a suit. Her long hair is up in a complicated braid. Why did he even mistake her for Damian?

But the ultimate confusion happens when Bruce is talking to Vladimir Masters, and a very familiar voice calls, "Father". Because both he and Vladimir turn to face the boy and ask, "Yes?" at the same time.

Damian is standing there, looking between Bruce and Vlad. He looks a little off somehow, but before Bruce can figure out why, the boy blinks and focuses on Vlad.

"We've been looking for you," he tells the man, and, wait, when was Damian looking for Masters? Furthermore, who is we?

But then another child comes closer. And-

That's Damian.

That's two Damians.

Wait, no, none of them are Damians.

"What is it?" Vladimir raises an eyebrow, not paying too much attention to Bruce's blanched expression.

A third child comes towards them, and this one also looks like Damian, only this one is a girl.

"Template's duplicate is here," she says, and Vlad frowns, turning to the Damian lookalike in the middle.

"Have you had another incident that I don't know of?"

Whatever answer the boy wanted to give is cut off by a n o t h e r child who looks like- no, this is real Damian, thank God, Bruce had started to wonder if the champagne was spiked with hallucinogens.

"Father-" he stops in his tracks as the three other children turn to him, and the four of them just stare at each other for a long moment. Then the one in the middle takes a sharp breath in and stage-whispers:

"Quick, do the meme!"

And all three not-Damians start pointing at each other.

Bruce is going to have an aneurysm. Judging by Vladimir's face, he is also not far from one.

Just my ramblings under the cut

Okay, it would be hilarious if Damian joined in pointing at each other out of shear confusion and feeling left out. Another photo is sent to the bat family group chat and chaos ensues once more. From then on, that photo is the one they use every time they want to use the meme.

Maybe Bruce and Vlad ends up co-parenting the quadruplet demon kids? And in turn all of the bat family. Vlad doesn't know how to feel about the amount of kids, he just wanted a perfect son, and now he could create a football team with his kids. Bruce has long resign to getting new kids every time he steps out of the mansion, he's not even going to address the teasing.