Vulnerable moment + help/advice welcome:

Hello, everyone. This isn’t my usual type of post, but I’m genuinely struggling with something and wanted to see if anyone has any advice. I will get straight into it.

I’ve been dissociating for the past few years. I constantly feel like I’m out of my body and watching myself from the third person. I feel like my life is a memory I am watching from the future; I feel like I don’t have any control over myself. I haven’t been able to go to a therapist due to expense reasons. But nowadays, I get ridiculously upset when I think about all of the memories I am “missing out on;” I just feel like I’m not living my life, and it makes me really distressed.

It’s been four years since I’ve felt present. Every now and then, I feel a flicker of reality, but it feels like a sneeze that just won’t surface. I realized the other day that I haven’t gone a full 24 hours feeling normal—hell, I haven’t even gone 5 minutes feeling normal in the past four years. It’s been getting to me a lot lately. My memory is starting to fail me, even for little things, because I’m constantly “out of it.” It’s hard. (I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining—I know many people have it much worse than me.)

I experienced some trauma in my childhood, but I feel like it wasn’t that bad, and I shouldn’t struggle this much now. After all, most of my trauma happened when I was aged 12-15. And then, I started dissociating around ages 17-18.

I’m opening up to see if anyone has ever experienced this and if they have any tips to help. I’ve done extensive research, but nothing has helped me so far. I’m really not sure what to do at this point—usually, I just accept that this will be my life forever… and that kills me. I’m at a loss at this point.

Any help or advice is welcome. I know this isn’t my usual blog aesthetic, and for that, I apologize. I’m just desperate at this point.

Thank you for reading.