Did I go through enough to cause DID?

by Sunflower

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Do you really want to know?” says a concerned voice, from the back of my mind.

“Yes. Why shouldn’t I know?” comes a reply, not from me.

“Maybe,” comes another.

“I guess not,” I finally say. I shouldn’t have bothered asking this question.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“No,” says a small voice to me.

“Why do you think that?” I ask it.

There’s no answer. Only crying.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Yes,” states someone matter-of-factly.

“How do you know for sure?”

“You’re literally talking to an alter, right now,” they point out.

Ugh! How is that supposed to answer my question?!

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Fuck off with these questions! It’s ridiculous!” growls something from deep inside, bubbling with rage. “Do you think this is fun? Do you think this is a game?”

I don’t.

Oh God, I don’t.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

Screams.

Ripping.

Spiraling.

Falling apart.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Why does it matter?” replies someone in the back.

“I don’t know,” I confess.

“Does it matter to you?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Does it matter to someone else?”

They already know the answer. They’re sitting in the back of my thoughts with it.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Do you feel like you’re not hurt enough?” Someone asks this.

The background is wracked with voices mirroring my own. Some shout yes, others shout no. I don’t know if they’re my own thoughts or something else.

“I’m not sure,” I finally say, confused.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Why are you asking this so much?” a voice asks.

“Well, sometimes I just wonder if I was hurt enough to have DID,” I explain.

“You have it. Doesn’t that already answer your question?”

“No,” I reply, a bit angrily. “I don’t feel like what I went through justifies me having DID like this. Wouldn’t my childhood have to be extremely unnatural? I mean, sure, I was suffering, but was that enough?”

“You do realize that suffering isn’t natural, right?”

I don’t know how to reply.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

A child is asking me this. I hold them close. I cradle them in my arms and rock them.

“I wish you didn’t,” I sigh.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“You went through too much,” says someone else.

“Yeah. You did, too,” is all I can utter. 

Acceptance fills out the space between us.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

A sad voice whispers through the frosty darkness. “I don’t wish anymore pain onto you.” 

“I don’t wish it onto you, either,” a voice whispers back.

I touch their hands. We are connected.

—

Did I go through enough to cause DID?

“Yes, and the proof is in our existence. Our existence is proof of our survival,” a familiar voice answers me.

We survived?

“You did. I did. All of us survived.“

I feel the others shift inside. Warmth blossoms in my chest.

The system that is me, suffered. The system that is me, also survived.

Maybe knowing this is more important.

Putting these up for anyone who needs them today.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

Why Does he DO That: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Cannot recommend WDHDT highly enough. I’ve found it helpful not just for romantic relationships, but also for growing up w a “unexplainable/uncontrollable” dad.

IT HAS ALSO BEEN REALLY HELPFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING ONLINE MOB HARASSMENT.

So if you’ve ever been bombarded w threats to be raped/killed, (so…if you’re a minority and you’ve been on the Internet for a while), this book might be useful for getting clarity around the whole entitled, abusive mindset that drives certain kinds of people to behave that way. And by “getting clarity”, I mean (for me) being able to go “oh, that’s what’s happening” and not really feel scared anymore. Or angry, or drawn out into it, or anything.

And if you’re still standing around going “but how does something like GamerGate happen?” or “but why do men hit their wives?” or whatever – please read that book and learn something.

^^^^ truth WDHDT is fantastic at cutting down MRA bullshit and calling it what it really is

Also recommending

Please consider reading these. WDHDT is really, really helpful. And I know some of you are struggling with abusive relationships, friendships, families, etc. You’re not alone. There is help.

Yo. This family holiday, please, please take care of yourself. You aren’t there to be anybody else’s cushion.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Reading any of these books does not mean you don’t love your parents or family.  It’s just self care for helping you cope and not repeat the behaviors. 

A gentle reminder that I have Toxic Parents as a FREE PDF if you would like to download it and read it on your own. Take care of yourselves.

All the books in this thread are great; adding this one because it was the most helpful to me. Free pdf here

toxic parents is the book i checked out from the library last january that REALLY SINCERELY helped kickstart my road to recovery. even if you are not a victim of abuse, they are invaluable reasources, but help pass them around so people who have been abused can have access to material that actually, genuinely, sees them and provides them with concrete help

I've read Toxic Parents and Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, and would highly recommend both.

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

If it wasn’t stated outright - it wasn’t said.

This is a requirement of recovery.

Reading about abusive men and the way they think. Very unsettling and an incredible book so far. Here are my very professional notes.

what book is this?

This is from “Why Does He DO That” by Lundy Bancroft.

I’m so glad I’m seeing more and more Lundy Bancroft quotes on my dash because this book CHANGES THE LIVES OF ABUSE VICTIMS. The programs run for rehabilitating abusive men through the courts? Bancroft DESIGNED THEM. His programs are replicated ALL OVER THE WORLD. He literally wrote THE book on abuser rehabilitation.

Here’s a link to a pdf copy. If you haven’t read this book yet, read this book.

Can we talk about how it seems like the entirety of the book is online on PDF, this making it accessible to anyone with an internet connection?

That is how we stop abuse.

We enable everyone to know what it looks like, so that when it happens, they can shut it down.

Arm yrself with knowledge!

Changed my life, would reccomend.

Reblogging for the PDF link.

—BB

Always reblogging because this isn’t just a partner abuse thing, this is a common abuse tactic PERIOD: Parents, siblings, bosses, general assholes, etc…

http://www.pdf-archive.com/2014/07/20/why-does-he-do-that/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

new link (the old one is broken)

Pretty sure I’ve reblogged this like eight times, don’t care.

The link it broken again, so here’s an updated one: https://www.pdf-archive.com/2015/10/21/why-does-he-do-that/

Credit: Ashley McMinn

Putting these up for anyone who needs them today.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward

Why Does he DO That: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Cannot recommend WDHDT highly enough. I’ve found it helpful not just for romantic relationships, but also for growing up w a “unexplainable/uncontrollable” dad.

IT HAS ALSO BEEN REALLY HELPFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING ONLINE MOB HARASSMENT.

So if you’ve ever been bombarded w threats to be raped/killed, (so…if you’re a minority and you’ve been on the Internet for a while), this book might be useful for getting clarity around the whole entitled, abusive mindset that drives certain kinds of people to behave that way. And by “getting clarity”, I mean (for me) being able to go “oh, that’s what’s happening” and not really feel scared anymore. Or angry, or drawn out into it, or anything.

And if you’re still standing around going “but how does something like GamerGate happen?” or “but why do men hit their wives?” or whatever – please read that book and learn something.

^^^^ truth WDHDT is fantastic at cutting down MRA bullshit and calling it what it really is

Also recommending

Please consider reading these. WDHDT is really, really helpful. And I know some of you are struggling with abusive relationships, friendships, families, etc. You’re not alone. There is help.

There’s also a really good group on Facebook called “Narcissistic Parent Answers” that I would recommend. They makes posts about how to stay safe, and also explain narcissistic behaviors (which has made me go “holy shit that’s what that was” multiple times) and helps reassure the victim that it isn’t their fault.

I can highly recommend WIEBGE by Karyl McBride.  I grew up with a Narcissistic mother, and that book helped me so much.

You don’t have to be grateful that it isn’t worse.

read that. read it again, and again, and again. somebody, somewhere, always has it worse than you. there is one person on this planet that has it the worst of all, and that person is NOT the only person allowed to be unhappy with their lot. if things are bad for you, they are bad for you. period.

This goes for trauma as well. A lot of times survivors get trapped in a cycle of  minimizing/diminishing their trauma because “other people have it worse” - but there is no hierarchy of trauma. There is no ranking system for which traumas are “better” or “worse.” Your trauma is valid. Period.

IMPORTANT TRUTHS.

As a therapist, lemme just say: almost every trauma survivor I’ve ever had has at some point said “But I didn’t have it as bad as some people” and then talked about how other types of trauma are worse. Even my most-traumatized, most-abused, most psychologically-injured clients say this. 

The ones who were cheated on, abandoned, and neglected say this. The ones who were in dangerous accidents/disasters say this. The ones who were horrifyingly sexually abused say this. The ones who were brutally beaten say this. The ones who were psychologically tortured for decades say this. What does that tell you? That one of the typical side-effects of trauma is to make you believe that you are unworthy of care. 

Don’t buy into it, because it’s nonsense. It doesn’t matter if someone else had it “worse.” Every person who experiences a trauma deserves to get the attention and care they need to heal from it. 

Reading about abusive men and the way they think. Very unsettling and an incredible book so far. Here are my very professional notes.

what book is this?

This is from “Why Does He DO That” by Lundy Bancroft.

I’m so glad I’m seeing more and more Lundy Bancroft quotes on my dash because this book CHANGES THE LIVES OF ABUSE VICTIMS. The programs run for rehabilitating abusive men through the courts? Bancroft DESIGNED THEM. His programs are replicated ALL OVER THE WORLD. He literally wrote THE book on abuser rehabilitation.

Here’s a link to a pdf copy. If you haven’t read this book yet, read this book.

Can we talk about how it seems like the entirety of the book is online on PDF, this making it accessible to anyone with an internet connection?

That is how we stop abuse.

We enable everyone to know what it looks like, so that when it happens, they can shut it down.

Arm yrself with knowledge!

Changed my life, would reccomend.

Reblogging for the PDF link.

—BB

Always reblogging because this isn’t just a partner abuse thing, this is a common abuse tactic PERIOD: Parents, siblings, bosses, general assholes, etc…

Fuck anyone who says I have to forgive everyone, “for my sake.” I worked hard for this anger. I worked hard to love myself enough to hate them.

Shit, yeah, this is a thing that is hard to articulate. Some people don’t feel healed by forgiving the people who hurt them, because that’s what they kept doing over and over and it only led to getting more hurt. Sometimes you feel healed when you’re finally brave enough to say “This person was horrible to me, and I did not deserve that treatment, and I don’t have to be okay with it.”

I think the concept of forgiving your abusers is really misunderstood.  

There is definitely healing that comes in acknowledging that what they did to you was horrifying, that you didn’t deserve it.  There is healing in feeling anger for what they did, for being angry at them.  Feeling that is good, necessary, and a part of recovery and healing.  

But to forgive your abuser isn’t the same as ‘forgive and forget’, ‘forgive and excuse’, or ‘forgive and justify’.  You will never forget what they did to you.  Nothing can every excuse or justify it.  It changed you forever.  There is no going back to the person who you were before they did what they did to you.

All that being said, though, holding onto that anger and hating that person forever isn’t healthy.  You have to acknowledge the abuse, feel the anger, process all that, and then let it go.  If you don’t it just sits in there and festers, and it eats you alive.  

I always look at it like this: Do I want to give that person any more presence or power in my life than they’ve already stolen?

If I am sitting around obsessing over all the ways they have hurt me, if they are on my mind 24/7, and my gut and heart is twisting, aching with anger, and hurt, and hate, then they are still there.  They are still in my life hurting me.  And you know what, they don’t deserve that.  My life belongs to me, not to them, and they don’t get to affect me in any way, shape or form anymore.

So, I forgive them for me, not for them.  I don’t forget.  I don’t excuse.  I don’t justify.  But, I forgive, and I move on.  They don’t get to have any part of me anymore.

People will tell you that emotional abuse isn’t real and what you’re dealing with isn’t that big a deal and you’re just exaggerating, but let me tell you something.

If you’ve ever been wary of everyone you know, even people you trust, because you’re expecting them to get angry with you over literally anything, make fun of you, or start making threats, something’s wrong.

If you’ve ever had to plan things in anticipation of a potential tantrum that you fear will be taken out on you, something’s wrong.

If you succumb to someone’s demands because you’re never sure if their threats are empty or legit and you just want to play it on the safe side, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself jumping at smaller noises in anticipation that they’re a warning sign for a tantrum, something’s wrong.

If you hide things - especially things that make you happy - because you’re so afraid that they’ll make fun of you for liking them, scold you for liking something they don’t, take them away, destroy them, or that they’ll defile them and ruin that love you have for them, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself being silent in the face of mild disagreements or thinly-veiled insults, rather than standing up for yourself because you just don’t want to start an argument and make things worse, something’s wrong.

If that very lack of standing up for yourself eventually leads to you never offering your opinion in any sort of discussion out of fear of ridicule or being scolded because that’s what you’re so used to, something’s wrong.

If you end up spending a lot of your time in your room keeping to yourself and keeping any trip outside of your room to an absolute minimum because you don’t want to risk putting one toe out of line and setting off a tantrum, yet you’re also aware that hiding out will also cause an issue and you’re probably just minimizing the risk instead of erasing it entirely, something’s wrong.

If you ever habitually glance outside the window to keep watch for your supposed abuser’s car to return from their work, errand or trip, and then heading to your room or other hiding place to keep out of their way, erasing any obvious signs that you’ve been out and about in the rest of your living space, something’s wrong.

If one of your greatest fantasies involves not a dream career or winning the lottery but instead an escape plan succeeding, something’s wrong.

If you could basically summarize your life as living in constant, subtle fear, Something. Is. Wrong.

Emotional abuse is very, very real, and it has lasting consequences that can affect people’s relationships, their jobs, and their lives all-around.

Don’t you dare tell me it isn’t real.

I made some affirmations for myself and decided to share them with all of you. please do not reupload.

“Trauma and Recovery” Judith Herman (via khanos)

This man deserves 100% of the scorn.

Have at it, tumblr.

Umm…

It just. Keeps. Going. ALL the scorn.

And people wonder why I left the church.  

To be clear, Warhorn Media is a Christian website, which according to their Facebook Page is a ‘ministry’ of clearnotefellowship.org.

From clearnotefellowship.org’s website:

These people are training pastors, planting churches and funding ‘like-minded’ missionaries.

In this lovely article, titled Tender Love, the author talks openly and approvingly about spanking his 6 year old son, in the conference room of his workplace for 20 days in a row, because his son had been getting demerits at school for disobeying his teacher.

Honestly, I’m having so many flashbacks to the abuse I suffered in the church...

So in short, yes, feel free to drag away.