13 lizards doing their best

some of my favorite pallas “scumbag” athena bits from the iliad:

augustus caesar was only 21 at the battle of philippi? he should have been at the clubbb

truly why was he gaslight gatekeep girlbossing starting in his teens. must not have had shit for young people to do for fun in late republican rome. "video games are turning boys violent" false, my man octavian had such a bad case of bored teenager disease that he overthrew a 500 year old representative democracy and became a dictator. never have I heard of someone who so badly needed a nintendo switch.

before you start getting too down on yourself for how you acted in your worst moments as a teen, remember it could always have been worse. you could have signed over two thousand death warrants for your political enemies. and you didn't do that. probably.

hmm. i need to (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) (remembers virtue is sufficient for happiness) (remembers i’m not joking) kill myself

katabasis is like cannibalism in a way. but only sort of

thought process:

hero enters the underworld through a mouth into the earth -> earth is the ancestral mother gaia -> the mother devours the child -> however gaia is an immortal being and therefore separate from us -> thankfully the hero is born of the divine -> katabasis is cannibalism but halfway

the fact that the hero returns doesn't matter because that's a new guy. that's just birth

The Dead Romans Society - Vates

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hi um my liege y-you asked me to um. report back to you when the prisoner you sent into the labyrinth had been, um, dealt with by th-the minotaur. well y-your highness t-there seems to be a bit of an, ahem, issue. no, no the prisoner is still in the labyrinth, y-yes the minotaur found them. i-it just ah, um, it appears that the. it appears that the prisoner and the minotaur are, um, they're-

i would be the worst augur ever the birds could be in all the wrong quadrants and the omens could be damning but i'd be like damn you saw a bird? thats a good sign...love to see a bird

my beautiful wife clytemnestra. kill him again

>Be Publius Claudius Pulcher. No, not THAT one, you're his ancestor during the First Punic War.

>Be so sexy (pulcher) that all your descendants are named the Sexy Claudii after you.

>So sexy. But so stupid.

>Nevertheless you are Hot, Rich and Famous Enough to get elected consul for 249 BCE, just in time to lead Rome's navy against the Carthaginians in battle.

>Hold up. "Navy?" Boats are for LOSERS. How are you supposed to look cool shanking Carthaginians if they're on another boat?

>You and a hundred other smelly unwashed dudes are crammed onto a dumb pointy boat with some fucking chickens. Sacred chickens. Because birds are messengers of the gods or some shit like that.

>You can see the enemy ships right there but nooo you're not allowed to attack them until the chickens are cool with it, and the chickens won't fucking eat.

>You did not spend oodles of sesterces to become consul and blow lunch over the side of a stinky boat just for chickens to tell you what to do.

>If they will not eat then let them DRINK. You hurl the chickens off the boat and command the fleet to plow full speed ahead.

>Carthage beats your ass so bad Rome doesn't attempt to fight a sea battle for seven years, and the Carthaginians comfortably put most of their ships in reserve.

>You are hauled in front of the Senate, charged with treason and sacrilege, exiled, and die soon afterward.

>Your sexiness, however, lives on.

even the top gets called a faggot

me explaining modern homophobia to aristotle

happy pride month

what the fuck

saxo cere comminuit brum

what the actual fuck

@nekrotikon

the word for brain here is cerebrum, and it's been literally split in two

I've seen wordplay like this before in Latin, but with compound words that are clearly made up of separate parts

but "cere" is not a word and neither is "brum"

you could translate it something like

"he split his br apart ain with a rock"

and it's only slightly less unreadable than that due to freer word order

needless to say something I'd expect more from a modern experimental poem than an ancient epic

The Dead Romans Society - Vates

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implēvit uxor frīvolīs eius villam. quem ut simplicēs sīmus, solōce pēdīcō.

im going to complain for a sec about something arbitrary but as expected ppl rbing the news abt greece legalising gay marriage and adoption are being so unfunny abt it like "haha werent they always gay since ancient times" or "nice to see greece embracing tradition" straight up saw multiple people make references to aphrodite or the greek gods like can u shut up 😭 its not even funny you dont know anything abt this country

the reason it pisses me off so much is that it's so indicative of how people view Greece as only its history and this type of humour feels so condescending because it disregards the fact that on a personal and cultural level the life of a queer person in greece is often so lonely and isolating and disheartening and this kind of news in this country is a moment where can hope for things to get better, and instead of celebrating with us as we are now or commiserating with those who have suffered so much to get to this point, people are focusing once again on our past and our history, as if that matters right now.

a post i saw on here a while back put it really beautifully, saying how "the people always come second place to our history", and i know this is a minor thing to get upset about but something that feels like such a big deal then feels belittled by people making jokes about how Greece has "finally caught up" or has "always been gay anyway". not only you are you undermining the way queer people have suffered under the patriarchal hypermasculine heteronormative conservative views of the majority of our compatriots, you also just aren't funny.

i keep having dreams about horses dying and i feel like if i were in ancient greece i would be prophesying the death of a great warrior or something. anyway i told this to my brother and he said "what if it's joe biden"

i complained about the horse dreams and now the horses wont let me sleep. im having iliad book 19 moments over here